Monday, May 31, 2010


I must confess... this post in unnecessary. It is so because it should absolutely be self explanatory. Again, here are the steps that will make you a little more like me, a little better than you were yesterday.

Step 1. What Are You Thinking With That!?
You're parents may have taught you everything you need to know. They may have started a trust fund for you that will soon pay out in spades. Its possible that they loved you, cared for you, prayed for you everyday and night, and sacrificed so much for your happiness. However....... if your parents did not teach you how to CHEW WITH YOUR MOUTH CLOSED...... they may as well have failed at parenting altogether. Sorry, its just science. If I can hear you eat we will never be friends. If I can hear you eat and we work together, I will quit my job or get you fired. If I can hear you eat and we are related, then we aren't related. Put the food in your mouth. Close your lips. Chew. Swallow. Thats it.

Step 2. Use Some Common Sense!
In addition to the terrible habit of ruining the lives of those around you with your inconsiderate mastication rituals, is the loss of common sense among the general population when it comes to eating. Please don't scrape your teeth on your utensils when you pull them from your mouth. Its an all around bad idea. When will the world finally come to realize that your ears should have nothing to do with your mouths ability to eat! There is no need to audibly taste your food when you are just sampling something new out of curiosity, like Bob in What About Bob.

Step 3. Dont Get Caught Up In The Wrong Fuss!
There is nothing wrong with talking with your mouth full. Well, maybe try and refrain from stuffing your face and trying to carry a conversation, but taking a bite and commenting on your day is perfectly acceptable. With so much emphasis given to group eating, eating out, and using mealtime as an excuse for quality catch up time it seems inefficient and preposterous to not be able to do both at the same time. Use good judgment and caution. Do not spit bits of food stuffs on your neighbor. Smile and speak clearly. And for goodness sakes say something interesting. If you stick to those things you're sure to be just fine.

Other than the destruction of all annoyances that come with eating there are a few other guidelines one should adhere to. Eat what you want, but make sure that you want to eat healthy (for the most part). Learn to cook your own meals every once in a while. Do not eat dog food.... and do not eat caviar. In other words, avoid extreme eating. Food should not be the focus of your day just like the TV should not be the focus of the living room. We are not animals scavenging for scraps. Just eat. And do it right. Like me.

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