Wednesday, May 26, 2010


Is it true? Can he really walk better than everyone else? Is there a way to even gauge that?

Ladies and Gentlemen.....He sure can, and there sure is.

The general public suck at walking, standing, running, and participating in any other movement not associated with some kind of machinery. If you were to ever see me at the mall, and you wouldn't, but if you were to, you would think I were surely about to collapse in a mental implosion. I already dont appreciate being in a big crowd. Add a touch of stupidity to the mix and you've got yourself a frantic mess of a man. So let me lay down some ground rules for you all so that maybe in passing me on the sidewalk you can be sure not to send me to the loony bin from my own raging correctness.

1. Walk like you gotta be somewhere
This is important for a few reasons. It's always the slower car that causes the accidents on the road and it's the lax meandering pedestrian that causes the awkward pile ups on foot. Walk fast, briskly, and efficiently; with purpose and concrete direction. Doing this will extend your lifespan and general health and mine as well. If you're on a sidewalk or at the mall or in Target.... DO NOT JUST ZIG ZAG WITH YOUR HEAD IN THE CLOUDS! How dare you act like you're the only one around, how inconsiderate. "Walk like you drive" is a good motto to keep in mind. Stay to the right. Look both ways before going through an intersection. Dont just stop in the middle of the aisle without looking to see who is coming in both directions. Simple stuff people. Simple.

2. Be aware of your surroundings
My father raised all of his kids to stay out of people's way. Metaphorically and literally I suppose. In a crowded room I am somehow always perfectly out of the way of everyone in the place. With my head on a swivel I know where flows of traffic are, I see where there are hold ups where people are having a hard time finding a way through a batch of people. I am a social wallflower. I may not be the life of the party but I will certainly not get in the way of the lucky man who is. In the metaphorical sense of the advice my father gave to stay out of the way I have discovered a few very valuable lessons. People are all headed somewhere. Down, to their goals, toward a better or worse life, etc. And if you're in the way there are only three things that will happen. They will run you over trying to get to where they are getting. Or they will drag you with them. Or you will stop them dead in their tracks. My father stayed out of the world's way as it began to slowly gain centrifugal speed as it made, and still makes, its slow careful spiral down toward destruction. Some refer to this as "being in the world but not OF the world". My father simply called it staying out of the way. And I tend to agree because it has worked out for me. Stick to the walls. Dont be swept away in those high traffic areas. Find refuge on the uncrowded shores of the raging river of popular life my friends, and watch the swift current of the majority rip away into nothingness.

3. Whatever You Do... DON'T WALK LIKE A EGYPTIAN!
By this I mean walk normal. Let me try and paint a picture for you of how a person should walk. Back straight, head up, knees slightly bent. Ideally you want your toes pointed in toward each other ever so slightly, in sort of a "pigeon toe" stance. Your knees should never touch one another in stride. This is hard for fat people...but so is life in general for them. If your knees bend toward each other and your profile looks like and hour glass from the waist down with the knees bottlenecking toward each other, then you should give up on walking all together. Its just a terrible stature. Dont take small little steps if you dont have to. Dont bounce. Dont slouch. Stand tall like the proud American you are and walk with purpose, like you have to be somewhere, not infringing on anyone else's right to do the very same on the very same sidewalk by getting in their way, and smile.

4. Smile!
Say hello to people. Look them in the eye when you're walking around in public. Be nice, social, and courteous! Don't be afraid to interact with your fellow man. It makes for a stronger community and a stronger, more confident you.

So these steps should be a great start for you to get a leg up (pun intended) on the slouching zig zagging frowning idiot walking your way. Good luck out there folks, and happy walking!

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