10. EATING

I must confess... this post in unnecessary. It is so because it should absolutely be self explanatory. Again, here are the steps that will make you a little more like me, a little better than you were yesterday.

Step 1. What Are You Thinking With That!?
You're parents may have taught you everything you need to know. They may have started a trust fund for you that will soon pay out in spades. Its possible that they loved you, cared for you, prayed for you everyday and night, and sacrificed so much for your happiness. However....... if your parents did not teach you how to CHEW WITH YOUR MOUTH CLOSED...... they may as well have failed at parenting altogether. Sorry, its just science. If I can hear you eat we will never be friends. If I can hear you eat and we work together, I will quit my job or get you fired. If I can hear you eat and we are related, then we aren't related. Put the food in your mouth. Close your lips. Chew. Swallow. Thats it.

Step 2. Use Some Common Sense!
In addition to the terrible habit of ruining the lives of those around you with your inconsiderate mastication rituals, is the loss of common sense among the general population when it comes to eating. Please don't scrape your teeth on your utensils when you pull them from your mouth. Its an all around bad idea. When will the world finally come to realize that your ears should have nothing to do with your mouths ability to eat! There is no need to audibly taste your food when you are just sampling something new out of curiosity, like Bob in What About Bob.

Step 3. Dont Get Caught Up In The Wrong Fuss!
There is nothing wrong with talking with your mouth full. Well, maybe try and refrain from stuffing your face and trying to carry a conversation, but taking a bite and commenting on your day is perfectly acceptable. With so much emphasis given to group eating, eating out, and using mealtime as an excuse for quality catch up time it seems inefficient and preposterous to not be able to do both at the same time. Use good judgment and caution. Do not spit bits of food stuffs on your neighbor. Smile and speak clearly. And for goodness sakes say something interesting. If you stick to those things you're sure to be just fine.

Other than the destruction of all annoyances that come with eating there are a few other guidelines one should adhere to. Eat what you want, but make sure that you want to eat healthy (for the most part). Learn to cook your own meals every once in a while. Do not eat dog food.... and do not eat caviar. In other words, avoid extreme eating. Food should not be the focus of your day just like the TV should not be the focus of the living room. We are not animals scavenging for scraps. Just eat. And do it right. Like me.

9. WALKING

Is it true? Can he really walk better than everyone else? Is there a way to even gauge that?

Ladies and Gentlemen.....He sure can, and there sure is.

The general public suck at walking, standing, running, and participating in any other movement not associated with some kind of machinery. If you were to ever see me at the mall, and you wouldn't, but if you were to, you would think I were surely about to collapse in a mental implosion. I already dont appreciate being in a big crowd. Add a touch of stupidity to the mix and you've got yourself a frantic mess of a man. So let me lay down some ground rules for you all so that maybe in passing me on the sidewalk you can be sure not to send me to the loony bin from my own raging correctness.

1. Walk like you gotta be somewhere
This is important for a few reasons. It's always the slower car that causes the accidents on the road and it's the lax meandering pedestrian that causes the awkward pile ups on foot. Walk fast, briskly, and efficiently; with purpose and concrete direction. Doing this will extend your lifespan and general health and mine as well. If you're on a sidewalk or at the mall or in Target.... DO NOT JUST ZIG ZAG WITH YOUR HEAD IN THE CLOUDS! How dare you act like you're the only one around, how inconsiderate. "Walk like you drive" is a good motto to keep in mind. Stay to the right. Look both ways before going through an intersection. Dont just stop in the middle of the aisle without looking to see who is coming in both directions. Simple stuff people. Simple.

2. Be aware of your surroundings
My father raised all of his kids to stay out of people's way. Metaphorically and literally I suppose. In a crowded room I am somehow always perfectly out of the way of everyone in the place. With my head on a swivel I know where flows of traffic are, I see where there are hold ups where people are having a hard time finding a way through a batch of people. I am a social wallflower. I may not be the life of the party but I will certainly not get in the way of the lucky man who is. In the metaphorical sense of the advice my father gave to stay out of the way I have discovered a few very valuable lessons. People are all headed somewhere. Down, to their goals, toward a better or worse life, etc. And if you're in the way there are only three things that will happen. They will run you over trying to get to where they are getting. Or they will drag you with them. Or you will stop them dead in their tracks. My father stayed out of the world's way as it began to slowly gain centrifugal speed as it made, and still makes, its slow careful spiral down toward destruction. Some refer to this as "being in the world but not OF the world". My father simply called it staying out of the way. And I tend to agree because it has worked out for me. Stick to the walls. Dont be swept away in those high traffic areas. Find refuge on the uncrowded shores of the raging river of popular life my friends, and watch the swift current of the majority rip away into nothingness.

3. Whatever You Do... DON'T WALK LIKE A EGYPTIAN!
By this I mean walk normal. Let me try and paint a picture for you of how a person should walk. Back straight, head up, knees slightly bent. Ideally you want your toes pointed in toward each other ever so slightly, in sort of a "pigeon toe" stance. Your knees should never touch one another in stride. This is hard for fat people...but so is life in general for them. If your knees bend toward each other and your profile looks like and hour glass from the waist down with the knees bottlenecking toward each other, then you should give up on walking all together. Its just a terrible stature. Dont take small little steps if you dont have to. Dont bounce. Dont slouch. Stand tall like the proud American you are and walk with purpose, like you have to be somewhere, not infringing on anyone else's right to do the very same on the very same sidewalk by getting in their way, and smile.



4. Smile!
Say hello to people. Look them in the eye when you're walking around in public. Be nice, social, and courteous! Don't be afraid to interact with your fellow man. It makes for a stronger community and a stronger, more confident you.

So these steps should be a great start for you to get a leg up (pun intended) on the slouching zig zagging frowning idiot walking your way. Good luck out there folks, and happy walking!

8. BOXING SLASH FIGHTING

He passes his guard, his shear size simply overpowers him and he's in, pounding away. Looping downward right hands straight to the side of the head. He breaks through his shielding arms like a crowbar through a car window and smashes fist against cheek bone time and time again. Blood is leaking wildly from several deep cuts. He's cut. Their lungs are searching for air and coming up short. He sees his eyes begin to drift back and up into the skull and this fuels him and he swings away even more wildly! He is unconscious now. He gets in two more good shots before the official pulls him from the tattered mess of writhing matter that remains twitching on the mat. He won. He is a champion.
Ladies and gentlemen... is this fighting? Is this class? Is this "manliness"? I whole heartedly argue that it is NOT.

The gruesome scene of inhumane barbarism described above is that of the most popular fighting sport out there these days. Mixed martial arts, MMA, Ultimate Fighting, UFC. These fighting events are enormously popular around the world and have been for years and years. The blood, the violence, the no holds barred rules all appeal to the "wish I were tough" crowd. However, this typ eof fighting is completely poisonous. All traces of humanity, sportsmanship, and civil decency are left at the door when fan and fighter alike enter the arena.
Ultimate fighting is nothing like boxing and this is a very good thing. Mixed martial arts is, to me, two men skillfully groping at each other in the missionary position trying to prove something to someone by demoralizing another man. I know that this isn’t how the fighters view it. I know it certainly isn’t how the fans view it. But I do. And for that reason I steer clear of it. True, when I was a young boy I would get excited about it and want to watch the next big Shamrock vs. So and So match with my older brother and grunt and yell but I chalk that up to inexperience and ignorance. As I grew older, wiser and more intelligent I came to realize that Boxing is for real fighters.
In the 1800’s pugilism (boxing) adopted universal rules known as the Queensbury rule. Now that just sounds classy in and of itself! These rules laid out the format that evolved into what we now know as boxing in our current culture. When a man is knocked to the mat by his opponent he is deemed “down” and has 8-10 seconds to rise back to his feet, present his gloves to the referee and prove that he is fully capable of continuing the bout. In a fight, be it a street scuffle or a regulation match, it is a true sign of self restraint, maturity, honor, and class, to refrain from a cowardly attack on your defenseless opponent when he is on the ground at his weakest. In MMA, however, this is celebrated and encouraged by the spectators, like Mike Vick at a dog fight. When a boxer has proven himself able to continue the fight also continues. Cheap shots to the groin and back of the head are not allowed. Disrespectful backhands are illegal. A fight will be stopped if one fighter continually fails to protect himself at all times. In the eyes of the MMA fanatic these characteristics of boxing are weaknesses and boring. However the truth is that these are some of the most noble and respectful conditions of pugilism and maintain the humanity and integrity of a fighter while he performs in the ring. A man should never cease to be a man simply because he covers his fists in gloves and ducks under the top rope into the ring. Indeed, in the ring is where a man must prove that he can maintain that integrity under the highest strain and pressure.
The world and human kind, as we have progressed technologically and in almost every other way, has slowly reduced itself back, in reverse toward animal instinct and barbarism while curiously and somehow maintaining a shell, just an appearance of advanced civility. We’ve become selfish and wanting. We seek to satisfy our carnal desires in any way possible. We forget our foundational belief in a God, a supreme creator, therefore neglecting the similar belief that we are more than just the evolution of the ape and more than just earthly flesh and sinew. The more civilized we become, the more animal we become. It’s the strangest thing. There are countless examples of this and few exceptions. One of these exceptions is boxing. The common misconception is that two men, writhing with hate and boiling over in rage storm into a ring amongst thousands of blood thirsty, adrenaline craved lunatics, set on killing one another for literally no reason at all. This would be more true of our ultimate fighting friends although I think, to be fair, neither form of fighting fits this mold. Boxing, in contrast, is so far from this scenario that it is a bit hard to see at first. However when examined you can see the purity of it. You cannot enter a boxing ring in a major bout without respecting yourself and the opponent you will face; his character, power, and skill as a person. And as for the reason you step in the ring with him in the first place, well… that’s still not certain.
Why did I get in the ring? The ring is a pure proving ground. A place to test yourself to the absolute limit. Have you ever tried to run a five minute mile on a treadmill at an 8% incline? Have you ever tried to do it with basketballs being thrown at your head and face? Do it. Succeed. And you’ll know a fraction of the feeling you get when you take everything a man has got right on the chin and you don’t waiver or run, or “tap out”. I did it because I wanted to be stripped of all that I thought I was and had, to find out what was left. When you’ve used up all the glucose, and the fat stores, and the ATP molecules to carry energy to your cells and muscles; when you’ve expelled all the energy into an opponent who is doing the same to you; when you are stripped of every positive thought, every glimmer of hope, every comfort and luxury and every single crutch you have ever used to hide what you really are… when all that is beaten out of you and nothing is left but this tiny gasping speck of life… well there you are. That’s you. You get in there and fight to be somebody and to find out who and what that somebody is. Too extreme? Then you must have never done it.
Boxing gives you the opportunity to cultivate your manhood, humanhood, and civility. It gives you the arena in which to test your control of all your insides and to test those of another man. It awards you the satisfaction of finally knowing exactly what you are capable of in this world. MMA is simply about crushing a man’s spirit and dignity until there is nothing left to fight for. Boxing will show you exactly what you are fighting for. If you don’t believe me step in the ring, I’ll show you.

7. SUMMERTIME!

Let me tell you where I write from. The bat cave. I have boarded myself up in my one bedroom apartment, backed into a corner on my bed. Ive left the lights off and blacked out the window light with a dark blue fleece blanket. The only light in the room, in my life, in this world now, is the one coming from this computer screen. The dim glow can barely illuminate me and the things around me; A wolf blanket. A bookshelf overhead. Six or Seven pillows, like old worn out bodies, slumped over and strewn across the bed and floor. And then there is me. And my anger.
Why am I angry? Its May 7th and its 49 degrees outside. I've tried so hard to be positive this year about the weather, checking the 10 day forecast consistently for signs of the coming summer. Each week it looks to be on the up and up, and each week I am disappointed. There have been a few days in the 70's and I appreciate them I do. However, its the middle of May now. I feel like a bear who awoke from his winter slumber too early, with no insulation to protect him from the cold, just an eager want for the warmth of a Utah summer night and a killer appetite. So folks, I've crawled back into my cave to artificially hibernate, to wait out the weather and I wont make the mistake of leaving for the outside world again until I can be certain that summer is in full swing. So until then I write. And in doing so I find it prudent to prepare you, like I am prepared, for the beautiful summer months that lay ahead. Welcome to Summertime 101.

1)Quit your job. It's easy. Ok so taking into account America's financial downturn you cant just quit your job but you can set yourself up for success like I have. And if its too late this year then you can sit on the bench this season and prepare for a wonderful summer next year. I work in the middle of the night. Its nice. Its quiet, peaceful, the streets are vacant, the town is sleeping, and I am a renegade passing through the thick night. I work on the weekends and some may see this as a bad thing. Yet I dont live my life by the rules of the majority. Who says I cant do weekend things Monday through Friday? I can do anything I want whenever I want. The only thing that suffers is my sleep schedule as I work 11pm - 9am Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights. But, having adjusted to the deranged sleep schedule mostly, I have four days a week this summer to experience God's Inseason!
I cant imagine anything more torturous than a 9-5 job during June, July, and August. To be honest I cant imagine having a job like that period! Lets do the math shall we...

24 hours per day. 8 hours of work. 8 hours of sleep.

If you live by this formula you will waste two thirds of your life in unconsciousness! So please, for me, for you, for your children, figure out a way to celebrate the summer. I know not everyone can work thirty hours a week in the dead of night to free up their schedule. But there has to be something better than 9-5! Rise up, oh my pale faced Americans! Strip away your titles and your sweaters and pants for that matter, and cannonball into the pool of life!

2) This is what you must do during the summer:
......deeeppp breath......... swim.bike.run.drive.read.tan.grillout.BBQ.soccer. boat.love.kiss.kiss.spoon.fight.punch.fruitpunch.cruise.play.sing.dance.eat.eat.eat. chase.be chased.be chaste.party.sleep.tan.climb.kick.throw.hit.travel.tan.sightsee. experience.visit.revisit.pray.listen.test.dive.jump.fall.feel.cooldown.heatup.kiss. love.smile.think.smile.relax.forget.remember.havefun.smile.

This is summer. In a nutshell. Did I miss anything?

Don't be afraid to reward yourself for making it through another year and coming out the other side better. Thats what summer is for. I stay trapped in this cave now so that I can live the summer whenever it chooses to get here. And boy am I going to live it. I suggest you get out of that office, that restaurant, that basement apartment, and join me. Ill be there, will you?

6. Examining the Hipster Problem Part 1

Here are three short essays on the Hipster problem that will set us up for a discussion later on the solution to this infectious plague:


ONE
You have no basis. You're wandering about wondering what to believe in, then just after noon you get bored and go to the pennyroyale cafe to spend the money you didnt earn on food that was made just for you. Then my friends walk in to meet a friend and you stare them down. Why? You leave on your road bike or fixie no doubt, and head over to a friends house who has a dark room and you develop your black and white photos of that cat that you found in the alley and named Pedro the Lion. They are disappointing but you chalk it up to dissonance. Then its off to work. No wait. Sorry. Then its off to campus so you can use the computers and post those pictures! Sorry! I forgot. While your on campus you think about taking an art history class. Nope. Go back home. Watch The Arcade Fire live at that one place. Such a good show. The lead singer was so drunk. Then your roommate comes home. Why do you have a roommate!? You should be living on your own so you can play bass in peace. Whatever. Your moving to England soon anyways. As soon as your Dad sells that house you'll get your share. You deserve it you've been working hard at Barnes and Noble's and going home for the holidays. I mean if they are gonna buy you a ticket, right!? Oh my gosh! You forgot! You have to find a ride to go to Urban. Remember? The catalog? They had those sweet V-neck Tee's in almost every color. Almost. Anyways, go get those threads man. I'll catch up with you later.
Hey maybe tonight we can go to Spoon Me and see who is there. Remember that one girl? oh i cant wait ......


TWO
Oh hey man. Yeah No it looks good! How much was it? No Yeah $30 is not bad at all. I mean its Urban! Totally Totally. Well kinda. See that is a credit card, your talking about a debit card. So like if your parents dont pay it off at the end of the month then interest starts kicking in on whatever was charged to it. No No, there is NO money on it. Its credit. So its......... yeah man, I guess its like "free money". You could be right. Anyways. I guess you wanna come over and watch American Idol tonight yeah? Oh totally! Its waaay ironic! Im with you man. I dont really like it either! Like its something we can do with our friends and make fun of I love it! Im gonna stop by Goodwill and see if they have anything. Oh you already did!? Dang. You did! Yeah man that was a steal. It looks new. You wanna go to Whole Foods and just look around? Oh ok. Well have fun! Get the Penny Royale Frapp Latte its the best!



THREE

A FEW BRIEF OBSERVATIONS ON THE CHARACTER OF THE INDEPENDENT ARTIST (OBSERVED MAINLY AND CONSISTENTLY IN PROVO UTAH.)



He attached himself to the cause of progress and "our younger generation" from enthusiasm. He was one of the numerous and varied legion of dullards, of half-animated abortions, conceited, half-educated coxcombs, who attach themselves to the idea most in fashion only to vulgarise it and who caricature every cause they serve, however sincerely.

He was an aneamic scrofulous little man, with strangely flaxen mutton-chop whiskers of which he was very proud. He was rather soft hearted, but self- confident and sometimes extremely conceited in speech which had an absurd effect, incongruous with his little figure.

He drank, but he did not get drunk, no.

He really was rather stupid.

5. RACISM

I know its weird to say that I do racism better than you, and that you probably wouldnt even contest that, but its true. I do racism better than you.
Racism, unfortunately is still alive and kicking. As I mentioned before, being from the south is no Southern fairy tale. Atlanta is a unique place. It's the largest city in the Southeast, the most economically charged and probably the most black too. By black I mean people with dark brown skin. People who probably come from Africa at some point in their genealogy. During a normal work day you see white people (people with light skin like mine who come from who knows where) walking the streets with suits and briefcases or golf shirts tucked into pleated khakis with sunglasses hanging by a strap down there around their silky-ish, polyester-ish, golfy collar. You see homeless people who are mostly black people, you see college students at Georgia Tech (asians abound here, white people too, and then a minority of all other types of people), and you see just everyone else doing their daily thing. Then rush hour (more like rush three hours) hits and after the smog has cleared a new Atlanta emerges up into the muggy night. Its dark. The buildings are dark. The sky is dark. And the people are dark. Excluding a few areas such as Midtown where all the multicolored gay crowd lives and hangs, the college campuses and the "nicer parts of town", everyone is black. At least everyone you see is black. The indie kids zip by in the dark on their stupid fixies unnoticed on their way to Little Five Points to quench a vintage western wear craving. The outer perimeter suburbanites flood the Lucky street, Olympic Park section of town, wearing cleavage friendly tops and 90's friendly bottoms, hopping down Peachtree street to find someone or somewhere to help them forget about their boring life up in Sandy Springs or Alpharetta. But if you get in a car and drive around Atlanta aimlessly, and you're white like me, you're going to feel alone.
Is this racist? No it is not. Its factual observation. You see, people are equal. We all are. But we are not the same. Black people are different from white people. Europeans are different from Asians. Mexicans are not the same as South Americans. I know this. Do you? People who know me know that I make a lot of very funny racist comments. Well they think they are racist comments. But some of those same people freely make use of the "N" word in public and private conversations as if it has no history or meaning. Is this racism? What is racism!? What is Racist!?
I'd like to think that I have not one racist bone in my body. Some might disagree. However I can say this. I've never discriminated against someone based on their race. I used to, but slowly overcame, making rash uneducated judgments about people based on their looks, although I still fully agree that you can tell a lot just by looking at a person. (Ex. Fat people eat a lot. See?) But if I'm so perfect and colorblind, why do I only know and talk to one or two black people, having all white American friends? Why am I more attracted to a pretty little red head than a beautiful black woman, or a dark haired Asian gal? The answer is simple. We are different.
Different is good, folks. Life would be pretty boring if we were all the same. We need to accept that and cherish it, not deny it. Black people, for the most part have dark skin. For the most part they have nappy hair (see Chris Rock's Good Hair documentary if you dont believe me). White people have softer hair, lighter skin, different body types. Asians have dark hair! Russian People look a lot alike. Australians talk weird! I love it all! Where we start getting into trouble is when we deny those things or deny that those things are acceptable. Black people cant be human because they dont have skin like white people. This type of thing is racism obviously. But what is the less obvious racist comment like? White men cant jump? Black guys are better at sports? Indians all smell the same? Asians all have flat butts? Every illegal immigrant in U.S.A. is Mexican? Or even less obvious... That black guy is married?! That Asian is majoring in history not math!? That white guy talks like a nerd!?
The cure for racism is simple. Judge for yourself not people as a whole, but on an individual basis. One black person is not all black people. He is a person, with skin, with a heart, with a family, with a life, with goals and dreams, and with a purpose. That White guy is not just a kid who cracks racist jokes to make people feel uncomfortable and to think about their own morals and question their own ethnic views, he is a person with skin, and a heart, and a family, with goals and dreams and a life. Also.... he likes Fried Chicken, hates watermelon, and drinks Kool-Aid in the summer constantly... and still has a nerdy voice.

4. DRIVING

I love you. You're great. But I need you to know. YOU SUCK AT DRIVING...

It's true. I am the unanimously voted on Greatest Driver in the World. This is something I truly do better than you. I am smooth, uniform, confident, and considerate on the road. I have zero percent road rage. I make the minimal amount of mistakes (which we all know is once a month. Thats the minimal. Thats my max...imal.) I conserve gasoline consumption. I am constantly aware of my surroundings. Chances are, with the way I drive, I've saved countless lives from what would surely be their instant death. However there are a couple things, secrets of the trade if you will, that really distinguish me and my superhuman driving from that of the rest of this world.

1) I've never been in an accident. Nobody my age can say that because when they were in high school they got straight A's for a semester and their parents bought them a brand new '02 Camaro and they took it out at night after the football game and effed it up. I was getting straight D's in high school so my parents let me buy their old minivan. This was a blessing in disguise. First, it taught me to quickly get rid of my pride as a man and a human on the road. Second, that van served as my naptime safe haven from school. I would take the back seats out and put some blankets back there and when school was just too much for me, I would sneak out and doze off in the back of the caravan. Third, that van was large compared to all the Camaros and Civics everyone else had. I had to learn how to drive like a man, ironically.

2) When I lost my pride by inheriting a minivan for my first car I gained a few precious things. I gained an appreciation for the road, as a metaphor and in actuality. We are all on the road, trying to get to where we need to be. We are all the same. Yes we may have cars with different exteriors. Some more beautiful than others, some shiny, some dented and scarred, some held together by a miracle...or duct tape. But we've all paid our dues and deserve to be there and we are doing the best we can. Its curious to see that some people, including me, take after their car, meaning they tend to take on the same characteristics. For instance, I am a minivan. I am not too concerned with looking better than others. I dont need to be waxed, washed and shined constantly. I am all about utility. It is all about whats on the inside with me. I want to be able to take my friends with me wherever I go and, when the time comes, Im going to be ready to take on a family, to provide for them and give them safety and comfort. Some people, like Camaro owners, barely have room for two. You get in their car (or their life) and you feel uncomfortable, like your cramping their style or crowding them. They are focused on the road and not the company. They dont have much storage space for sentiments or memories, just torque, speed, and gas guzzling power. Its strange how alike we are to our cars and how life is like the open road.

3) When Im driving I want what is best for everyone. But you have to follow the rules if you're going to get my consideration. I will gladly let you in....if you have your blinker on. I will certainly stay to the right if I'm slower than you...so long as you are not speeding excessively. I will drive quickly enough....if you don't risk both our safety by riding my tail. Im out there to help. But you have to help yourself before I can do anything for you.

4) This is important to quell your silly road rage. You dont know anyone! Those are people in those cars. Thats a man with a family you just flicked off and stared down. That could very well be a pregnant woman next to you that you're honking at. I had a vision once, presumably from the heavens, in which I got angry at a fellow driver and ran them down, riding their bumper, and honking all the way. The veins in my neck were swelling to the size of a garden hose. And why? Because they cut me off, and sped on down the road like they were in some kind of hurry. When I finally caught up to them in my vison at a stop light, I bolted out of my car and rushed to theirs to begin the all out curse job to end all curse jobs. The man didnt even notice me banging on his window. He was sweating and kept looking over at his wife in the passenger seat. So I looked too. She was in labor, screaming. I sulked back to my car completely ashamed and embarrassed. When I woke up I realized that no one can know whats going through anyones head out there, you dont know what that car is speeding for. All you can be sure of is that there is a person in there with a life just like yours. And we all have too much going on to get honked at while we're doing it. So lay off.


5) This is the most important rule. I have escaped getting ticketed, getting into an accident, even getting in someones way simply by telling myself this before every time I drive:

EVERYONE IS TRYING TO KILL YOU.

If you trust the driver next to you, he will kill you. If you believe the blinker of that car in front of you, it will smash your face in. If you trust in your ability to weave through traffic because the other cars are out of your way, one will swerve into you and throw you through your driver's side window. Whether it be true or not (I tend to think its true) I convince myself that everyone out there on the road today is driving for the first time in their life. So that means I have to step up and show everyone how its done. If I believe I am the best driver out there, then I am in charge and must take charge. This doesnt mean honking my horn, cutting people off, and doing as I please. This means I am the director, the composer, the orchestrator, and everyone else is my symphony. And with the smoothness of a Jazz melody I can confidently assert my will on that of the whole and conduct a masterpiece every time I get into my minivan.
Its all about confidence Folks. Every move I make out there is the best possible move for not only me, but for the entire human race. That type of confidence can only be found in a very rare place. Somewhere deep down. Somewhere quiet and serene. Somewhere like in between the bench seats of a 1990 Dodge Caravan Sportswagon.

3. COLLEGE

College is a waste of time, I'm sorry. We are the first generation (my generation. You know the one that got screwed by the selfish hippies and baby boomers?) who will all have an Undergraduate degree. You know what this means right? It means that the degree is useless. You will now need a Master's, fluency in other languages, a Phd., and you're daddy is going to need to be rich. That's the scenario without throwing the deteriorating economic crisis into the mix. When we all graduate, we will not find jobs. If we do they will be menial jobs with menial tasks such as answering phones or making sandwiches. You will not use your degree. You will not receive a decent paycheck to pay off your student loans that you took out so confidently during the Bush administration. You will begin to drown. And in the inescapable sea of defeat you will flail. You will splash around in the shallow waters of your pool of self esteem searching for anything to help keep you afloat and all you will find is a piece of paper floating, drifting toward you. It's your degree and its going to sink with you.
If you love learning and being informed and educated, by all means go to college and love it! However, you should never take a loan out to pay for such a silly thing. If you can afford it, or if you feed of the Federal government and get a Pell Grant, go for it. Otherwise invest in books and do the learning on your own. This rule that you must have a college degree to be successful in life is made up. It was made up by people who did not go to college ironically. The only thing you need to be successful is to be successful and the only way to be successful is to go out and do it. If you think a degree will help, great. If not, screw it.

A few pointers if you're already in college:

1) No one cares what your GPA is. Graduate. Pass. Thats all you need to do. Dont study too hard, because what your learning is bias information anyways unless its a Biology class or something solid like that

2) Dont get into college culture. Dont run for student officer. Dont form study groups and talk about politics. You could be doing something more productive I promise. Dont wear the T-Shirt that has the name of your school on it...to your school. It makes you seem oddly desperate.

3) DO NOT ABBREVIATE YOUR CLASSES! By this I mean... when you say your "going to Chemistry" say you're going to Chemestry. Do not say "I'm going to Chem." You sound like an idiot. And thats not just my opinion or that of anyone else, its the Universe's. And furthermore, dont abbreviate the buildings your classes are in. If your going to meet up at the Wilkinson Center, meet up at the Wilkinson Center. Dont meet up at the Wilk. Im just trying to help.

4) Do not make college your first priority. Things that should be higher on the list are things like eating, brushing your teeth, watching good movies, working out, running, sleeping in, working a real job, traveling, hanging out with your family, reading and learning real things, etc. College should, on the list, fit somewhere right between getting a hair cut and going grocery shopping.

There is much more I could warn you about when it comes to post secondary education, but let me wrap up with this. You are an American. You are smart. You have everything you could ever want at your disposal to become a better person, smarter, more successful. Do not use a crutch in any way. Sometimes college can be a crutch. If this is true, get rid of it. There is no hope in walking into the busy real world if you do it limping on the crutch of "higher education". Get out there and do what you want to do, no excuses. You know they always say you can do anything you put your mind to. They never tell you that you can do anything so long as you graduate from college. Eff them anyways. If you want something get it, do it, own it. This is America.