15.1 ZOMBIES PART TWO!

Where did I leave off last? Oh yes. We need to make sure we teach you how to acquire friends and influence Zombies.

STEP ONE: Appearance is everything. Take care of yourself physically. You dont want to have any sorry excuses as to why you got your neck bitten off by a fat old woman zombie. So stay fit. Get out in the sun. People like it when you have some color to your face. Stay comely. Just because the zombie apocalypse has arrived doesnt mean you shouldnt take a shower or brush your teeth when you get the chance. Eventually youre going to run into another human, it could be a girl, and she might even be pretty, and youre going to want to impress. This means dressing to impress too. Its still not ok to wear cargo shorts and crocs.... even if the world has ended. Break into a Nike outlet and snatch up some BAD A kicks. Then make your way to a Target, or if youre in California you can try for an H & M. Get some pants that fit and a shirt that kills. Mee Ow fella, you look gooooooood when you zombiekill! No one wants to spend their zombie hunting day with a human that looks and smells like a zombie. Its as simple as that.

STEP TWO: Knowledge is power! Keep learning. You can always read a book in your down time. When the zombies are far enough out of your way, pick up a classic, or maybe an installment of the Twilight series. Imagination is the key to youthfulness in a stressy zombieworld. Use it! Youre brains can sometimes be your most powerful weapon against the undead. Why do you think they want to eat yours so badly!? Learn a lot. Express it well. And any human survivor will be able to see that youre a catch.

STEP THREE:

15. ZOMBIES!

Zombies are real and that is a scientific fact. Nobody would ever even doubt that. Same with Bigfoot. And also Captain James T. Kirk. And everyone knows that at some point in time, probably in the very near future, right around the veritable corner, maybe even tomorrow, that Zombies will begin their assault in the early dawn of a seemingly normal morning, and slowly begin wiping out the lot of the sleeping and unsuspecting human population. What everyone DOESNT know is the proper way to go about being the last and only living person left on earth after the dust has settled and the corpses have piled up to the mountains. That is where I come in. I dont want it to be too easy. I want a little competition in the race for survival. So I will let you in on the secrets of Zombie survival life and when the Zombie crap hits the fan we will see who is the last man standing. It will be me. Nevertheless..... lets do this.

STEP 1: Be Prepared
Not prepared like a gay boyscout. Im talking prepared like a homophobic, redneck, back country conspiracy theorist who has the money and the connections to get ready for an apocalypse or two. These items will get you ready for the showdown:

A BASEBALL BAT- A classic. Fundamental for getting back at those brain chewing flesh eaters for feasting on your family right in front of you
A MACHETE- Avaiable at Wal-Mart for like $3 bucks. Perfect for evening the score. Remember though, just because you cut a zombie's arm off does not mean he is incapacitated in the least.
SHOTGUN- This gets messy, but its effective. Not even a Zombie can outrun you with a hole through the chest.
SIX SHOOTER- Dont worry you dont need any silver bullets or anything. Just put two between the eyes of every undead thing you see. That will be the end of that.
ANY ALL WHEEL DRIVE VEHICLE- Subaru, Escalade, Ford F-350, Jeep Wrangler, it doesnt matter. The good news is that this is something you can acquire. Zombies cant drive and neither can your dead friends. Just find the key and stock that ride with all the gas and supplies you can find. Then hit the road for some adventure!
CANNED FOODS- You want many non perishables. A few months worth at a time. Canned meats, fruits and veggies. Its essential that you maintain a good diet. After all, diet is one of the few things that separate us from them you know.
FLASHLIGHTS- This one is obvious. But remember to get lots of batteries, flares, glows sticks, matches. Light up the dark dear survivors.
IPOD/MUSIC- Youre going to want a good Zombie attack playlist. There is nothing like taking off the head of what used to be your sunday school teacher with a chainsaw while listening to Andrea Bocelli. I mean isn't it the little things that make it all worth while?

OK so these are a few essentials. Remember most things you'll be able to pick up along the way after the onslaught begins, if you even make it out your front door. But these things should get you past the first few hours of adjustment and on your way to a destination of your choice. Tomorrow I will continue with step 2 of the Zombie survival process: Acquiring Friends. It is important that journeying through a Zombie infested America you not do it alone, and preferably with someone of the opposite sex. If things get dismal on earth, youre going to need those reproductive organs to repopulate the earth. So look forward to more life saving advice, and if there is no tomorrow and the Zombiefest starts before then.... best of luck, Ill see you out there, and God Bless.

14. DINOSAURS

If you send your kids to public schools or have been the product of one yourself, then you and your children have probably been subject to more than a few universally accepted lies. Lies such as...... There is no God, only evolution. Or there is no evolution, only God. Or gay people are born that way, feminine wrists and lisps and all. Or that it's ok to hate someone if it's for a good reason. Or that the point of life is to go to college and get a desk job so you can spend 2/3 of your life sleeping or sitting. Or that dinosaurs exist or existed. This last lie that I have mentioned is the one I would like to focus on today. Gather round children.

"I do dinosaurs better than you." I didnt start this post with this sentence because its gross and also because it doesnt make sense for a few reasons, the most important one being how can I do something better than you if it doesnt exist? Granted, Im so good at everything that if someone could be good at something that never existed.... rest assured it would be me. However this is not the case with dinosaurs.

I grew up learning all about them. All different types. T Rex, Velociraptor, bracciosaurus, littlefoot, pterodactyl. Not only have scientists come up with super huge and complicated names for these creatures, but they have uncovered ancient fossils deep in the earth's soils. With these fossil records they have used their magic science to determine the sex of certain fossils, eating habits, diet, emotional nature, cause of death, relationship and family order and structure, how many kids the fossil had when it was supposedly "alive". They would teach these things to me in class in elementary school right along with other things like "how I will die of AIDS if I have sex as a fifth grader". There is only one problem with these fascinating tid bits of archeology that were spoon fed to me. They are total crap.

I dont care if Im wrong. Ill still believe that dinosaurs never existed. Its a waste of time to think about what they were like or who they were or if they were anything at all or not. They have nothing to do with humans. We cant learn from them. We cant benefit from the knowledge we uncover about them. So they dont exist. I refuse to believe that some nerd in Southern Utah can tell the world that so and so -asaurus did this or that twenty minutes before volcanic ash wiped it and its tender loving family members off the earth. There is no way you can know that. Dinosaurs are a magical myth that accomplish a very important task in public schools. They allow the teacher to teach something interesting for once. Except looking back, its not interesting at all. Unless you have caught a T Rex on tape eating another dinosaur, they dont exist. Unless you have traveled through time in some "land of the lost" Ford SUV time traveling accident, or a phone booth with a TV antenna taped to the top, and have returned with a living breathing triceratops...... then that fossil you just uncovered is just a big ole Rhino with and etra horn. Dont try and church it up and tell me you know all about it. You dont. Youre guessing. And thats not science. Its not even interesting. Its lies and youre killing the poor children of America with your Dino deceit. Call it like it is guys. Dinosaurs are nothing more than a hoax.... just like global warming. And moon landings.

But if youre still left wondering why those fossils are still showing up and if dinosaurs didnt exist, what could those big things be. I have the answer. One word ya'll............

DRAGONS!

13. BOOK CLUBS!

Ok. So yes I do book clubbing better than you. Naturally. But this isnt so much about that as it is about me just being so excited to be in a book club!

It's called The Razor's Edge Book Club, inspired by our first selection to read, which is The Razor's Edge by W. Somerset Maugham. My friend Amanda and I love reading and reading in the summer and so we decided to get organized! However we are too good to read the book and simply talk about it afterwards. So the goal is to find books that have been critically acclaimed and somewhat celebrated and then have been made into movies that have bombed in the box office and the general public opinion. This book club of course excludes the Harry Potter series. We thought it was just going to be the two of us but it looks like the club fever is catching wildfire because our friend Rebekah has joined! This is something you're going to want to get in on the ground level. We have a goal to finish the book and be watching the movie by this weekend.

We are also happy to announce that we are open to suggestions as to what our next selection should be, so long as it meets the prerequisites. Also we would like it to be geared toward adventure. I was thinking something like Huckleberry Finn then watching Tom and Huck starring J.T.T. What do you think?

Anyways, I am so excited to be reading with my buddies! And Im so excited to be experiencing the first day of summer, the longest day of the year tonight. FInally!

12. PHILOSOPHY

I used to think college was a place where you learned new things and grew personally. Boy was I wrong. College is a business. Except no one treats it that way. If college is a business then I am the customer and therefore should have things my way. So when I first enrolled in classes it was a surprise to me that I was REQUIRED to take certain classes. Im paying for it so why dont you take the money and give me what I want instead of telling me what to do like a Democrat? (makes sense to me) One of the classes I was told to take was Philosophy. I loved it. I was good at thinking and better at arguing. You couldnt back me into a corner. I kept taking philosophy and religion classes and as you might expect, over time, the two different fields soon came to a head in my mind. I was forced to reconcile things I had learned in each with the differing views of the other. Then something magical happened. Something clicked. Somehow I was able to discover that ... Philosophy is a load of crap.

Philosophy is a cul du sac (french for overrated i think). When I was following philosophy I found myself drifting toward Utilitarianism and Existentialism. I know, RIGHT! But here is where "believing" in philosophy will get you: right back to where you started. I could give you examples of why each different field within the field is a waste of time but you would get bored about two sentences in. So instead I will tell you the only philosophy that works ... My philosophy!

The points of Kurtism:

1.) BECAUSE I SAID SO!
This is the most important point. It sounds like something youre mother would say but is that such a bad thing? No one, I mean NO ONE tells me how to live my life. No one on this earth is smart enough to tell me how I should think or how to behave or what to believe. That is my job. I get to pick and choose what I want. Nietzsche, Mill, Kant, Augustine, Freud. Screw 'em. They were all stupid when you apply their knowledge to what is best for me. I say what I do, I say that it is right, and it is right because I said so. If I say and believe something is right then it is universally right, because within my universe it is. Eff your universe. Mine's probably better anyways.

2.) WHO CARES ABOUT HAPPINESS?
I dont. Happiness is fleeting and fickle. It comes and goes. It becomes an addiction if you let it. My world is not all happy. And so therefore I cannot want for happiness all the time. Here is what I am after: Joy! I want Peace.... and Joy. I want to be settled. At rest inside. Happiness is a welcome guest in my home, yet Joy is a welcome companion for life. When I find it Ill let you know, but dont try and get it the way I did. Youre not me. And Im not you. Find youre own way. Search for the thing that will let you discontinue ever searching again. Happiness will use you and leave you.

3.) DO THE MATH
The picture accompanying this post is an example of what I am talking about. Religion and Philosophy have a few things in common I suppose. The one I would like to focus on is the math of it all. Take the number four. Divide it by two. You get two. Divide that by two. Divide it again. One. Divide it. 1/2. Again. Again. Again. What do you get? Where do you get? You get closer and closer to zero but you will never, ever, ever reach it. Ever. This is philosophy. You may think and think and divide and divide but, rationalize as you might, you will never reach the answer. Ever. Compare this to religion and you'll find almost the same. You will "approach zero" nearing an answer, getting so close. You wont make it. Not with that brain of yours. However there is one paramount difference between Religion and Philosophy in this sense. With religion there is one tool, one precious little thing that will allow you to bridge that tiny, yet insurmountable gap. Faith. Have faith in the answer and jump! You'll find yourself safely and peacefully on the spiritual X Axis of the bar graph of life.

So have it your way. Torture yourself with your pride by trying to believe in a cynical, narrow minded, tunnel visioned, obsessed group of thinkers, or do it on your own... your way. You'll find that it will strengthen your spirit, buoy you up, and let you continue your personal progression indefinitely! And if you just cant figure it out, ask me. I have it all figured out.

11. OPENING DOORS...... FOR LADYGIRLS.

There is so much to say about the topic of dating. Especially in times like these when the species of real men is nearing total extinction. These are the days that women fear. The day when a man spends more time on his body than she does, who's only objective in dressing nice for a date is to, by the end of that date, end up without those clothes on at all. These are the time when the men of this world are outnumbered by the boys, the half hearted child, the untrained and untamed adolescent! There is so much work to be done if we are to change the direction this world is headed to, a place where woman is left alone in her virtue and horny leaping and drooling boys ravage the country sides, but with any great feat one must start small. And so like the first step out the front door, I will start the journey with a simple skill called door opening........for Ladygirls.

The Single Door.

This one is easy. From the moment you exit the car or round the corner and near the door you are to enter with her on your date you need to be prepared. Dont forget that, even though the date is going smoothly and the mood is very relaxed, your brain should be constantly adapting and anticipating the next gentleman move. Dont let her grab that door handle bud! Its understandable that she would feel the need to. Feminism has taught for decades the need for a woman to do things for herself and to not let men control them. However feminists dont have boyfriends. No one will argue that a woman cant physically open a door by herself or that she couldnt do as well or better than a man. This is not about that. This is your way of showing her that you are constantly thinking of her, respecting her, and allowing her to go before you, metaphorically and literally. If she doesnt agree, then maybe she's not the one for you.

The Dreaded Set of Double Doors!

This one took me a while to figure out. Its a bit tricky. But I think I've got it. So you're walking into a restaurant. There is a set of doors, a foyer, and another set of doors. Oh No! What do we do fellas!? Growing up and going out with a sweet girl I would make a fool of myself and practically tear my groin muscles trying to open the first door, let her through, quickly slide in after her at her heels, prop that door open with my foot all the while, lap her and beat her to the second door with the half of my body that isn't stuck defending the first, and with the strength of just my fingers slowly and painstakingly coax the second door to open just enough for her to squeeze through. This was tiresome, ineffective, and ended with her being embarrassed and confused and me wiping sweat from my forehead. Here is the solution:
At any cost get to that first door before she even set in on the obligatory gesture of reaching for the handle herself. Open it. Smile! Now this is the part that is out of your hands guys. A woman, a real woman that dazzles and makes you feel like a real man, that takes your very breath away while simultaneously filling your heart with confidence and vigor... that kind of woman will walk into the foyer and up to the second door and STOP. If and when you ever have the pleasure of dating a woman like this... DO NOT MISS YOUR OPPORTUNITY TO SHINE! When she stops and allows you to catch up so that you might perform your duty as a man and grab that second door with ease, class, and style, you do it! And you do it proudly with a smile on your face that could make a baby laugh. Now if it is your first time you're going to feel a little funny. After this foyer ballet (if you will) you'll feel feelings you've never thought possible, and all at once. Feelings like you could chase down a gazelle in 90 seconds, and that you could pick this woman up with one arm and give her a kiss like superman would give, and feelings of love for the kids that you dont even have yet. This can be overwhelming all at once so its important to keep your cool. Dont blow it. She obviously is encouraging you to act like a man around her so do it. If things keep up like this she may let you open the door to her heart. And that lesson, my friends, is for another time.