Friday, June 25, 2010
Zombies are real and that is a scientific fact. Nobody would ever even doubt that. Same with Bigfoot. And also Captain James T. Kirk. And everyone knows that at some point in time, probably in the very near future, right around the veritable corner, maybe even tomorrow, that Zombies will begin their assault in the early dawn of a seemingly normal morning, and slowly begin wiping out the lot of the sleeping and unsuspecting human population. What everyone DOESNT know is the proper way to go about being the last and only living person left on earth after the dust has settled and the corpses have piled up to the mountains. That is where I come in. I dont want it to be too easy. I want a little competition in the race for survival. So I will let you in on the secrets of Zombie survival life and when the Zombie crap hits the fan we will see who is the last man standing. It will be me. Nevertheless..... lets do this.
STEP 1: Be Prepared
Not prepared like a gay boyscout. Im talking prepared like a homophobic, redneck, back country conspiracy theorist who has the money and the connections to get ready for an apocalypse or two. These items will get you ready for the showdown:
A BASEBALL BAT- A classic. Fundamental for getting back at those brain chewing flesh eaters for feasting on your family right in front of you
A MACHETE- Avaiable at Wal-Mart for like $3 bucks. Perfect for evening the score. Remember though, just because you cut a zombie's arm off does not mean he is incapacitated in the least.
SHOTGUN- This gets messy, but its effective. Not even a Zombie can outrun you with a hole through the chest.
SIX SHOOTER- Dont worry you dont need any silver bullets or anything. Just put two between the eyes of every undead thing you see. That will be the end of that.
ANY ALL WHEEL DRIVE VEHICLE- Subaru, Escalade, Ford F-350, Jeep Wrangler, it doesnt matter. The good news is that this is something you can acquire. Zombies cant drive and neither can your dead friends. Just find the key and stock that ride with all the gas and supplies you can find. Then hit the road for some adventure!
CANNED FOODS- You want many non perishables. A few months worth at a time. Canned meats, fruits and veggies. Its essential that you maintain a good diet. After all, diet is one of the few things that separate us from them you know.
FLASHLIGHTS- This one is obvious. But remember to get lots of batteries, flares, glows sticks, matches. Light up the dark dear survivors.
IPOD/MUSIC- Youre going to want a good Zombie attack playlist. There is nothing like taking off the head of what used to be your sunday school teacher with a chainsaw while listening to Andrea Bocelli. I mean isn't it the little things that make it all worth while?
OK so these are a few essentials. Remember most things you'll be able to pick up along the way after the onslaught begins, if you even make it out your front door. But these things should get you past the first few hours of adjustment and on your way to a destination of your choice. Tomorrow I will continue with step 2 of the Zombie survival process: Acquiring Friends. It is important that journeying through a Zombie infested America you not do it alone, and preferably with someone of the opposite sex. If things get dismal on earth, youre going to need those reproductive organs to repopulate the earth. So look forward to more life saving advice, and if there is no tomorrow and the Zombiefest starts before then.... best of luck, Ill see you out there, and God Bless.