Friday, October 1, 2010


And.......... we're back.

So I dont get the opportunity to shower as often as I used to and it has made me more aptly aware of just how good at it I was! I mean, I would get in that shower and scrub a dub dub and I could have been as dirty as a dead dog in a crackhouse but sure enough I'd come out smelling like a rose. You could lick a plate of mashed potatoes off my back side. THATS how clean I was.
     I know what you're thinking: Kurt, how did you get so squeaky clean my brutha!? Ill tell you.

Step One: Poop before you shower!
Step Two: Have a routine! I have a routine and it hasn't changed since I was twelve years old. It is as follows:

1. Get in shower naked.

2. Seal the plastic shower curtain to the tile from top to bottom so it is water tight.

3. Place your conditioner bottle (as it will be used last) on the shower ledge, pinning the middle of the shower curtain to the shower ledge so that you can avoid the annoyance of having the curtain mysteriously drift into your leg a few minutes after you start your shower. You're minding your own business washing your hair and your eyes are closed and, wait..... whats that........ something is sticking to your leg. Use the conditioner and get that crap on lockdown.

4. Go from top to bottom. Start with the hair. Doesnt matter what you use. I stick with Old Spice stuff usually. Scrub that scalp good. You dont want any snowflakes out there on your shoulders. Rinse. Otherwise that junk will trickle down into your eyes.

5. Then get the torso and use a Loooofa! If youre not using a bar of soap use a loofa. Simply because it lathers.

6. Work your way to the nether regions and MAKE SURE YOU GET THE SPACES IN BETWEEN! This is the key to the complete clean experience.

7. I usually skip my leg and feet as there is really no point for a guy to clean those parts. And the residue of soap will wash over all that anyways.

8. THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE: Do as much as you can in the shower. Yes this included peeing, blowing out your nose, pooping - ha just joking, cleaning out your ears, shaving, talking on the phone, doing homework, stretching, drawing things with the water beads on the wall.

But blowing out your nose in the shower is gross Kurt!

Nothing is gross in the shower. Nothing. Its a sanctuary. The sooner you learn that the sooner you can become like me. Or at least how I used to be. Now I pretty much shower in communal showers where blowing bodily fluids and goop all over the place is "frowned upon" and stretching is controversial and somewhat dangerous. But, the point is, I used to OWN at showering.

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