Showering

And.......... we're back.

So I dont get the opportunity to shower as often as I used to and it has made me more aptly aware of just how good at it I was! I mean, I would get in that shower and scrub a dub dub and I could have been as dirty as a dead dog in a crackhouse but sure enough I'd come out smelling like a rose. You could lick a plate of mashed potatoes off my back side. THATS how clean I was.
     I know what you're thinking: Kurt, how did you get so squeaky clean my brutha!? Ill tell you.

Step One: Poop before you shower!
                
Step Two: Have a routine! I have a routine and it hasn't changed since I was twelve years old. It is as follows:

1. Get in shower naked.

2. Seal the plastic shower curtain to the tile from top to bottom so it is water tight.

3. Place your conditioner bottle (as it will be used last) on the shower ledge, pinning the middle of the shower curtain to the shower ledge so that you can avoid the annoyance of having the curtain mysteriously drift into your leg a few minutes after you start your shower. You're minding your own business washing your hair and your eyes are closed and, wait..... whats that........ something is sticking to your leg. Use the conditioner and get that crap on lockdown.

4. Go from top to bottom. Start with the hair. Doesnt matter what you use. I stick with Old Spice stuff usually. Scrub that scalp good. You dont want any snowflakes out there on your shoulders. Rinse. Otherwise that junk will trickle down into your eyes.

5. Then get the torso and use a Loooofa! If youre not using a bar of soap use a loofa. Simply because it lathers.

6. Work your way to the nether regions and MAKE SURE YOU GET THE SPACES IN BETWEEN! This is the key to the complete clean experience.

7. I usually skip my leg and feet as there is really no point for a guy to clean those parts. And the residue of soap will wash over all that anyways.

8. THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE: Do as much as you can in the shower. Yes this included peeing, blowing out your nose, pooping - ha just joking, cleaning out your ears, shaving, talking on the phone, doing homework, stretching, drawing things with the water beads on the wall.

But blowing out your nose in the shower is gross Kurt!

Nothing is gross in the shower. Nothing. Its a sanctuary. The sooner you learn that the sooner you can become like me. Or at least how I used to be. Now I pretty much shower in communal showers where blowing bodily fluids and goop all over the place is "frowned upon" and stretching is controversial and somewhat dangerous. But, the point is, I used to OWN at showering.

16. THE FOURTH OF JULY

So since this is the only holiday I celebrate I like to do it right. Fortunately I have some very good friends who wanted to party just as hard this year and we made it a Fourth of July weekend to never be forgotten. Maybe they'll make a movie out of it years down the line. Called The Sandlot 4. Lets get to it. This is a brief list of everything we did to show our love for America. And I love America way way better than you do so listen up.

-6AM hike up to the Alien Slabs in Provo
-Back Deck BBQ
-Open Air movie with all the gang
-Back Deck camping under the stars... and blankets.
-Early morning free French(American) Toast breakfast at Maceys
-All American Kickball game
-Swimming and picnic lunch
-Center street Freedom Festival (Funnel Cakes)
-Cafe Rio (though Mexican food is Mexican, we stole it. American)
-Stadium of Fire
-Four Fighter Jet Fly By! So so so so so awesome
-Catch Phrase while Carrie Underwood tried to put everyone to sleep
-Fireworks!
-Block Party on Canyon Ave
-Home. Sleep.
-Church!
-Break the Fast, BBQ, Sandwiches, Soccer, Friends, Ellie May
-RISK! (for 8 or 9 hours)
-Up early for the Parade (and crepes. the only unamerican thing about the weekend.)
-Freedom Festival for some Karaoke
-El Gallo Giro! (Cynthia I love you)
-Then down south to the Mona Rope Swing (Amanda owned it!)
-Hawaiian Ice Shavies (I think Hannah is still there....)
-FHE watching Independence Day on the Back Deck. Perfect.

... and that, my friends, is how you celebrate Fourth of July. And we still have some poppers and Sparklers left over. AmericaEffYeah!

15.1 ZOMBIES PART TWO!

Where did I leave off last? Oh yes. We need to make sure we teach you how to acquire friends and influence Zombies.

STEP ONE: Appearance is everything. Take care of yourself physically. You dont want to have any sorry excuses as to why you got your neck bitten off by a fat old woman zombie. So stay fit. Get out in the sun. People like it when you have some color to your face. Stay comely. Just because the zombie apocalypse has arrived doesnt mean you shouldnt take a shower or brush your teeth when you get the chance. Eventually youre going to run into another human, it could be a girl, and she might even be pretty, and youre going to want to impress. This means dressing to impress too. Its still not ok to wear cargo shorts and crocs.... even if the world has ended. Break into a Nike outlet and snatch up some BAD A kicks. Then make your way to a Target, or if youre in California you can try for an H & M. Get some pants that fit and a shirt that kills. Mee Ow fella, you look gooooooood when you zombiekill! No one wants to spend their zombie hunting day with a human that looks and smells like a zombie. Its as simple as that.

STEP TWO: Knowledge is power! Keep learning. You can always read a book in your down time. When the zombies are far enough out of your way, pick up a classic, or maybe an installment of the Twilight series. Imagination is the key to youthfulness in a stressy zombieworld. Use it! Youre brains can sometimes be your most powerful weapon against the undead. Why do you think they want to eat yours so badly!? Learn a lot. Express it well. And any human survivor will be able to see that youre a catch.

STEP THREE:

15. ZOMBIES!

Zombies are real and that is a scientific fact. Nobody would ever even doubt that. Same with Bigfoot. And also Captain James T. Kirk. And everyone knows that at some point in time, probably in the very near future, right around the veritable corner, maybe even tomorrow, that Zombies will begin their assault in the early dawn of a seemingly normal morning, and slowly begin wiping out the lot of the sleeping and unsuspecting human population. What everyone DOESNT know is the proper way to go about being the last and only living person left on earth after the dust has settled and the corpses have piled up to the mountains. That is where I come in. I dont want it to be too easy. I want a little competition in the race for survival. So I will let you in on the secrets of Zombie survival life and when the Zombie crap hits the fan we will see who is the last man standing. It will be me. Nevertheless..... lets do this.

STEP 1: Be Prepared
Not prepared like a gay boyscout. Im talking prepared like a homophobic, redneck, back country conspiracy theorist who has the money and the connections to get ready for an apocalypse or two. These items will get you ready for the showdown:

A BASEBALL BAT- A classic. Fundamental for getting back at those brain chewing flesh eaters for feasting on your family right in front of you
A MACHETE- Avaiable at Wal-Mart for like $3 bucks. Perfect for evening the score. Remember though, just because you cut a zombie's arm off does not mean he is incapacitated in the least.
SHOTGUN- This gets messy, but its effective. Not even a Zombie can outrun you with a hole through the chest.
SIX SHOOTER- Dont worry you dont need any silver bullets or anything. Just put two between the eyes of every undead thing you see. That will be the end of that.
ANY ALL WHEEL DRIVE VEHICLE- Subaru, Escalade, Ford F-350, Jeep Wrangler, it doesnt matter. The good news is that this is something you can acquire. Zombies cant drive and neither can your dead friends. Just find the key and stock that ride with all the gas and supplies you can find. Then hit the road for some adventure!
CANNED FOODS- You want many non perishables. A few months worth at a time. Canned meats, fruits and veggies. Its essential that you maintain a good diet. After all, diet is one of the few things that separate us from them you know.
FLASHLIGHTS- This one is obvious. But remember to get lots of batteries, flares, glows sticks, matches. Light up the dark dear survivors.
IPOD/MUSIC- Youre going to want a good Zombie attack playlist. There is nothing like taking off the head of what used to be your sunday school teacher with a chainsaw while listening to Andrea Bocelli. I mean isn't it the little things that make it all worth while?

OK so these are a few essentials. Remember most things you'll be able to pick up along the way after the onslaught begins, if you even make it out your front door. But these things should get you past the first few hours of adjustment and on your way to a destination of your choice. Tomorrow I will continue with step 2 of the Zombie survival process: Acquiring Friends. It is important that journeying through a Zombie infested America you not do it alone, and preferably with someone of the opposite sex. If things get dismal on earth, youre going to need those reproductive organs to repopulate the earth. So look forward to more life saving advice, and if there is no tomorrow and the Zombiefest starts before then.... best of luck, Ill see you out there, and God Bless.

14. DINOSAURS

If you send your kids to public schools or have been the product of one yourself, then you and your children have probably been subject to more than a few universally accepted lies. Lies such as...... There is no God, only evolution. Or there is no evolution, only God. Or gay people are born that way, feminine wrists and lisps and all. Or that it's ok to hate someone if it's for a good reason. Or that the point of life is to go to college and get a desk job so you can spend 2/3 of your life sleeping or sitting. Or that dinosaurs exist or existed. This last lie that I have mentioned is the one I would like to focus on today. Gather round children.

"I do dinosaurs better than you." I didnt start this post with this sentence because its gross and also because it doesnt make sense for a few reasons, the most important one being how can I do something better than you if it doesnt exist? Granted, Im so good at everything that if someone could be good at something that never existed.... rest assured it would be me. However this is not the case with dinosaurs.

I grew up learning all about them. All different types. T Rex, Velociraptor, bracciosaurus, littlefoot, pterodactyl. Not only have scientists come up with super huge and complicated names for these creatures, but they have uncovered ancient fossils deep in the earth's soils. With these fossil records they have used their magic science to determine the sex of certain fossils, eating habits, diet, emotional nature, cause of death, relationship and family order and structure, how many kids the fossil had when it was supposedly "alive". They would teach these things to me in class in elementary school right along with other things like "how I will die of AIDS if I have sex as a fifth grader". There is only one problem with these fascinating tid bits of archeology that were spoon fed to me. They are total crap.

I dont care if Im wrong. Ill still believe that dinosaurs never existed. Its a waste of time to think about what they were like or who they were or if they were anything at all or not. They have nothing to do with humans. We cant learn from them. We cant benefit from the knowledge we uncover about them. So they dont exist. I refuse to believe that some nerd in Southern Utah can tell the world that so and so -asaurus did this or that twenty minutes before volcanic ash wiped it and its tender loving family members off the earth. There is no way you can know that. Dinosaurs are a magical myth that accomplish a very important task in public schools. They allow the teacher to teach something interesting for once. Except looking back, its not interesting at all. Unless you have caught a T Rex on tape eating another dinosaur, they dont exist. Unless you have traveled through time in some "land of the lost" Ford SUV time traveling accident, or a phone booth with a TV antenna taped to the top, and have returned with a living breathing triceratops...... then that fossil you just uncovered is just a big ole Rhino with and etra horn. Dont try and church it up and tell me you know all about it. You dont. Youre guessing. And thats not science. Its not even interesting. Its lies and youre killing the poor children of America with your Dino deceit. Call it like it is guys. Dinosaurs are nothing more than a hoax.... just like global warming. And moon landings.

But if youre still left wondering why those fossils are still showing up and if dinosaurs didnt exist, what could those big things be. I have the answer. One word ya'll............

DRAGONS!

13. BOOK CLUBS!

Ok. So yes I do book clubbing better than you. Naturally. But this isnt so much about that as it is about me just being so excited to be in a book club!

It's called The Razor's Edge Book Club, inspired by our first selection to read, which is The Razor's Edge by W. Somerset Maugham. My friend Amanda and I love reading and reading in the summer and so we decided to get organized! However we are too good to read the book and simply talk about it afterwards. So the goal is to find books that have been critically acclaimed and somewhat celebrated and then have been made into movies that have bombed in the box office and the general public opinion. This book club of course excludes the Harry Potter series. We thought it was just going to be the two of us but it looks like the club fever is catching wildfire because our friend Rebekah has joined! This is something you're going to want to get in on the ground level. We have a goal to finish the book and be watching the movie by this weekend.

We are also happy to announce that we are open to suggestions as to what our next selection should be, so long as it meets the prerequisites. Also we would like it to be geared toward adventure. I was thinking something like Huckleberry Finn then watching Tom and Huck starring J.T.T. What do you think?

Anyways, I am so excited to be reading with my buddies! And Im so excited to be experiencing the first day of summer, the longest day of the year tonight. FInally!

12. PHILOSOPHY

I used to think college was a place where you learned new things and grew personally. Boy was I wrong. College is a business. Except no one treats it that way. If college is a business then I am the customer and therefore should have things my way. So when I first enrolled in classes it was a surprise to me that I was REQUIRED to take certain classes. Im paying for it so why dont you take the money and give me what I want instead of telling me what to do like a Democrat? (makes sense to me) One of the classes I was told to take was Philosophy. I loved it. I was good at thinking and better at arguing. You couldnt back me into a corner. I kept taking philosophy and religion classes and as you might expect, over time, the two different fields soon came to a head in my mind. I was forced to reconcile things I had learned in each with the differing views of the other. Then something magical happened. Something clicked. Somehow I was able to discover that ... Philosophy is a load of crap.

Philosophy is a cul du sac (french for overrated i think). When I was following philosophy I found myself drifting toward Utilitarianism and Existentialism. I know, RIGHT! But here is where "believing" in philosophy will get you: right back to where you started. I could give you examples of why each different field within the field is a waste of time but you would get bored about two sentences in. So instead I will tell you the only philosophy that works ... My philosophy!

The points of Kurtism:

1.) BECAUSE I SAID SO!
This is the most important point. It sounds like something youre mother would say but is that such a bad thing? No one, I mean NO ONE tells me how to live my life. No one on this earth is smart enough to tell me how I should think or how to behave or what to believe. That is my job. I get to pick and choose what I want. Nietzsche, Mill, Kant, Augustine, Freud. Screw 'em. They were all stupid when you apply their knowledge to what is best for me. I say what I do, I say that it is right, and it is right because I said so. If I say and believe something is right then it is universally right, because within my universe it is. Eff your universe. Mine's probably better anyways.

2.) WHO CARES ABOUT HAPPINESS?
I dont. Happiness is fleeting and fickle. It comes and goes. It becomes an addiction if you let it. My world is not all happy. And so therefore I cannot want for happiness all the time. Here is what I am after: Joy! I want Peace.... and Joy. I want to be settled. At rest inside. Happiness is a welcome guest in my home, yet Joy is a welcome companion for life. When I find it Ill let you know, but dont try and get it the way I did. Youre not me. And Im not you. Find youre own way. Search for the thing that will let you discontinue ever searching again. Happiness will use you and leave you.

3.) DO THE MATH
The picture accompanying this post is an example of what I am talking about. Religion and Philosophy have a few things in common I suppose. The one I would like to focus on is the math of it all. Take the number four. Divide it by two. You get two. Divide that by two. Divide it again. One. Divide it. 1/2. Again. Again. Again. What do you get? Where do you get? You get closer and closer to zero but you will never, ever, ever reach it. Ever. This is philosophy. You may think and think and divide and divide but, rationalize as you might, you will never reach the answer. Ever. Compare this to religion and you'll find almost the same. You will "approach zero" nearing an answer, getting so close. You wont make it. Not with that brain of yours. However there is one paramount difference between Religion and Philosophy in this sense. With religion there is one tool, one precious little thing that will allow you to bridge that tiny, yet insurmountable gap. Faith. Have faith in the answer and jump! You'll find yourself safely and peacefully on the spiritual X Axis of the bar graph of life.

So have it your way. Torture yourself with your pride by trying to believe in a cynical, narrow minded, tunnel visioned, obsessed group of thinkers, or do it on your own... your way. You'll find that it will strengthen your spirit, buoy you up, and let you continue your personal progression indefinitely! And if you just cant figure it out, ask me. I have it all figured out.

11. OPENING DOORS...... FOR LADYGIRLS.

There is so much to say about the topic of dating. Especially in times like these when the species of real men is nearing total extinction. These are the days that women fear. The day when a man spends more time on his body than she does, who's only objective in dressing nice for a date is to, by the end of that date, end up without those clothes on at all. These are the time when the men of this world are outnumbered by the boys, the half hearted child, the untrained and untamed adolescent! There is so much work to be done if we are to change the direction this world is headed to, a place where woman is left alone in her virtue and horny leaping and drooling boys ravage the country sides, but with any great feat one must start small. And so like the first step out the front door, I will start the journey with a simple skill called door opening........for Ladygirls.

The Single Door.

This one is easy. From the moment you exit the car or round the corner and near the door you are to enter with her on your date you need to be prepared. Dont forget that, even though the date is going smoothly and the mood is very relaxed, your brain should be constantly adapting and anticipating the next gentleman move. Dont let her grab that door handle bud! Its understandable that she would feel the need to. Feminism has taught for decades the need for a woman to do things for herself and to not let men control them. However feminists dont have boyfriends. No one will argue that a woman cant physically open a door by herself or that she couldnt do as well or better than a man. This is not about that. This is your way of showing her that you are constantly thinking of her, respecting her, and allowing her to go before you, metaphorically and literally. If she doesnt agree, then maybe she's not the one for you.

The Dreaded Set of Double Doors!

This one took me a while to figure out. Its a bit tricky. But I think I've got it. So you're walking into a restaurant. There is a set of doors, a foyer, and another set of doors. Oh No! What do we do fellas!? Growing up and going out with a sweet girl I would make a fool of myself and practically tear my groin muscles trying to open the first door, let her through, quickly slide in after her at her heels, prop that door open with my foot all the while, lap her and beat her to the second door with the half of my body that isn't stuck defending the first, and with the strength of just my fingers slowly and painstakingly coax the second door to open just enough for her to squeeze through. This was tiresome, ineffective, and ended with her being embarrassed and confused and me wiping sweat from my forehead. Here is the solution:
At any cost get to that first door before she even set in on the obligatory gesture of reaching for the handle herself. Open it. Smile! Now this is the part that is out of your hands guys. A woman, a real woman that dazzles and makes you feel like a real man, that takes your very breath away while simultaneously filling your heart with confidence and vigor... that kind of woman will walk into the foyer and up to the second door and STOP. If and when you ever have the pleasure of dating a woman like this... DO NOT MISS YOUR OPPORTUNITY TO SHINE! When she stops and allows you to catch up so that you might perform your duty as a man and grab that second door with ease, class, and style, you do it! And you do it proudly with a smile on your face that could make a baby laugh. Now if it is your first time you're going to feel a little funny. After this foyer ballet (if you will) you'll feel feelings you've never thought possible, and all at once. Feelings like you could chase down a gazelle in 90 seconds, and that you could pick this woman up with one arm and give her a kiss like superman would give, and feelings of love for the kids that you dont even have yet. This can be overwhelming all at once so its important to keep your cool. Dont blow it. She obviously is encouraging you to act like a man around her so do it. If things keep up like this she may let you open the door to her heart. And that lesson, my friends, is for another time.

10. EATING

I must confess... this post in unnecessary. It is so because it should absolutely be self explanatory. Again, here are the steps that will make you a little more like me, a little better than you were yesterday.

Step 1. What Are You Thinking With That!?
You're parents may have taught you everything you need to know. They may have started a trust fund for you that will soon pay out in spades. Its possible that they loved you, cared for you, prayed for you everyday and night, and sacrificed so much for your happiness. However....... if your parents did not teach you how to CHEW WITH YOUR MOUTH CLOSED...... they may as well have failed at parenting altogether. Sorry, its just science. If I can hear you eat we will never be friends. If I can hear you eat and we work together, I will quit my job or get you fired. If I can hear you eat and we are related, then we aren't related. Put the food in your mouth. Close your lips. Chew. Swallow. Thats it.

Step 2. Use Some Common Sense!
In addition to the terrible habit of ruining the lives of those around you with your inconsiderate mastication rituals, is the loss of common sense among the general population when it comes to eating. Please don't scrape your teeth on your utensils when you pull them from your mouth. Its an all around bad idea. When will the world finally come to realize that your ears should have nothing to do with your mouths ability to eat! There is no need to audibly taste your food when you are just sampling something new out of curiosity, like Bob in What About Bob.

Step 3. Dont Get Caught Up In The Wrong Fuss!
There is nothing wrong with talking with your mouth full. Well, maybe try and refrain from stuffing your face and trying to carry a conversation, but taking a bite and commenting on your day is perfectly acceptable. With so much emphasis given to group eating, eating out, and using mealtime as an excuse for quality catch up time it seems inefficient and preposterous to not be able to do both at the same time. Use good judgment and caution. Do not spit bits of food stuffs on your neighbor. Smile and speak clearly. And for goodness sakes say something interesting. If you stick to those things you're sure to be just fine.

Other than the destruction of all annoyances that come with eating there are a few other guidelines one should adhere to. Eat what you want, but make sure that you want to eat healthy (for the most part). Learn to cook your own meals every once in a while. Do not eat dog food.... and do not eat caviar. In other words, avoid extreme eating. Food should not be the focus of your day just like the TV should not be the focus of the living room. We are not animals scavenging for scraps. Just eat. And do it right. Like me.

9. WALKING

Is it true? Can he really walk better than everyone else? Is there a way to even gauge that?

Ladies and Gentlemen.....He sure can, and there sure is.

The general public suck at walking, standing, running, and participating in any other movement not associated with some kind of machinery. If you were to ever see me at the mall, and you wouldn't, but if you were to, you would think I were surely about to collapse in a mental implosion. I already dont appreciate being in a big crowd. Add a touch of stupidity to the mix and you've got yourself a frantic mess of a man. So let me lay down some ground rules for you all so that maybe in passing me on the sidewalk you can be sure not to send me to the loony bin from my own raging correctness.

1. Walk like you gotta be somewhere
This is important for a few reasons. It's always the slower car that causes the accidents on the road and it's the lax meandering pedestrian that causes the awkward pile ups on foot. Walk fast, briskly, and efficiently; with purpose and concrete direction. Doing this will extend your lifespan and general health and mine as well. If you're on a sidewalk or at the mall or in Target.... DO NOT JUST ZIG ZAG WITH YOUR HEAD IN THE CLOUDS! How dare you act like you're the only one around, how inconsiderate. "Walk like you drive" is a good motto to keep in mind. Stay to the right. Look both ways before going through an intersection. Dont just stop in the middle of the aisle without looking to see who is coming in both directions. Simple stuff people. Simple.

2. Be aware of your surroundings
My father raised all of his kids to stay out of people's way. Metaphorically and literally I suppose. In a crowded room I am somehow always perfectly out of the way of everyone in the place. With my head on a swivel I know where flows of traffic are, I see where there are hold ups where people are having a hard time finding a way through a batch of people. I am a social wallflower. I may not be the life of the party but I will certainly not get in the way of the lucky man who is. In the metaphorical sense of the advice my father gave to stay out of the way I have discovered a few very valuable lessons. People are all headed somewhere. Down, to their goals, toward a better or worse life, etc. And if you're in the way there are only three things that will happen. They will run you over trying to get to where they are getting. Or they will drag you with them. Or you will stop them dead in their tracks. My father stayed out of the world's way as it began to slowly gain centrifugal speed as it made, and still makes, its slow careful spiral down toward destruction. Some refer to this as "being in the world but not OF the world". My father simply called it staying out of the way. And I tend to agree because it has worked out for me. Stick to the walls. Dont be swept away in those high traffic areas. Find refuge on the uncrowded shores of the raging river of popular life my friends, and watch the swift current of the majority rip away into nothingness.

3. Whatever You Do... DON'T WALK LIKE A EGYPTIAN!
By this I mean walk normal. Let me try and paint a picture for you of how a person should walk. Back straight, head up, knees slightly bent. Ideally you want your toes pointed in toward each other ever so slightly, in sort of a "pigeon toe" stance. Your knees should never touch one another in stride. This is hard for fat people...but so is life in general for them. If your knees bend toward each other and your profile looks like and hour glass from the waist down with the knees bottlenecking toward each other, then you should give up on walking all together. Its just a terrible stature. Dont take small little steps if you dont have to. Dont bounce. Dont slouch. Stand tall like the proud American you are and walk with purpose, like you have to be somewhere, not infringing on anyone else's right to do the very same on the very same sidewalk by getting in their way, and smile.



4. Smile!
Say hello to people. Look them in the eye when you're walking around in public. Be nice, social, and courteous! Don't be afraid to interact with your fellow man. It makes for a stronger community and a stronger, more confident you.

So these steps should be a great start for you to get a leg up (pun intended) on the slouching zig zagging frowning idiot walking your way. Good luck out there folks, and happy walking!

8. BOXING SLASH FIGHTING

He passes his guard, his shear size simply overpowers him and he's in, pounding away. Looping downward right hands straight to the side of the head. He breaks through his shielding arms like a crowbar through a car window and smashes fist against cheek bone time and time again. Blood is leaking wildly from several deep cuts. He's cut. Their lungs are searching for air and coming up short. He sees his eyes begin to drift back and up into the skull and this fuels him and he swings away even more wildly! He is unconscious now. He gets in two more good shots before the official pulls him from the tattered mess of writhing matter that remains twitching on the mat. He won. He is a champion.
Ladies and gentlemen... is this fighting? Is this class? Is this "manliness"? I whole heartedly argue that it is NOT.

The gruesome scene of inhumane barbarism described above is that of the most popular fighting sport out there these days. Mixed martial arts, MMA, Ultimate Fighting, UFC. These fighting events are enormously popular around the world and have been for years and years. The blood, the violence, the no holds barred rules all appeal to the "wish I were tough" crowd. However, this typ eof fighting is completely poisonous. All traces of humanity, sportsmanship, and civil decency are left at the door when fan and fighter alike enter the arena.
Ultimate fighting is nothing like boxing and this is a very good thing. Mixed martial arts is, to me, two men skillfully groping at each other in the missionary position trying to prove something to someone by demoralizing another man. I know that this isn’t how the fighters view it. I know it certainly isn’t how the fans view it. But I do. And for that reason I steer clear of it. True, when I was a young boy I would get excited about it and want to watch the next big Shamrock vs. So and So match with my older brother and grunt and yell but I chalk that up to inexperience and ignorance. As I grew older, wiser and more intelligent I came to realize that Boxing is for real fighters.
In the 1800’s pugilism (boxing) adopted universal rules known as the Queensbury rule. Now that just sounds classy in and of itself! These rules laid out the format that evolved into what we now know as boxing in our current culture. When a man is knocked to the mat by his opponent he is deemed “down” and has 8-10 seconds to rise back to his feet, present his gloves to the referee and prove that he is fully capable of continuing the bout. In a fight, be it a street scuffle or a regulation match, it is a true sign of self restraint, maturity, honor, and class, to refrain from a cowardly attack on your defenseless opponent when he is on the ground at his weakest. In MMA, however, this is celebrated and encouraged by the spectators, like Mike Vick at a dog fight. When a boxer has proven himself able to continue the fight also continues. Cheap shots to the groin and back of the head are not allowed. Disrespectful backhands are illegal. A fight will be stopped if one fighter continually fails to protect himself at all times. In the eyes of the MMA fanatic these characteristics of boxing are weaknesses and boring. However the truth is that these are some of the most noble and respectful conditions of pugilism and maintain the humanity and integrity of a fighter while he performs in the ring. A man should never cease to be a man simply because he covers his fists in gloves and ducks under the top rope into the ring. Indeed, in the ring is where a man must prove that he can maintain that integrity under the highest strain and pressure.
The world and human kind, as we have progressed technologically and in almost every other way, has slowly reduced itself back, in reverse toward animal instinct and barbarism while curiously and somehow maintaining a shell, just an appearance of advanced civility. We’ve become selfish and wanting. We seek to satisfy our carnal desires in any way possible. We forget our foundational belief in a God, a supreme creator, therefore neglecting the similar belief that we are more than just the evolution of the ape and more than just earthly flesh and sinew. The more civilized we become, the more animal we become. It’s the strangest thing. There are countless examples of this and few exceptions. One of these exceptions is boxing. The common misconception is that two men, writhing with hate and boiling over in rage storm into a ring amongst thousands of blood thirsty, adrenaline craved lunatics, set on killing one another for literally no reason at all. This would be more true of our ultimate fighting friends although I think, to be fair, neither form of fighting fits this mold. Boxing, in contrast, is so far from this scenario that it is a bit hard to see at first. However when examined you can see the purity of it. You cannot enter a boxing ring in a major bout without respecting yourself and the opponent you will face; his character, power, and skill as a person. And as for the reason you step in the ring with him in the first place, well… that’s still not certain.
Why did I get in the ring? The ring is a pure proving ground. A place to test yourself to the absolute limit. Have you ever tried to run a five minute mile on a treadmill at an 8% incline? Have you ever tried to do it with basketballs being thrown at your head and face? Do it. Succeed. And you’ll know a fraction of the feeling you get when you take everything a man has got right on the chin and you don’t waiver or run, or “tap out”. I did it because I wanted to be stripped of all that I thought I was and had, to find out what was left. When you’ve used up all the glucose, and the fat stores, and the ATP molecules to carry energy to your cells and muscles; when you’ve expelled all the energy into an opponent who is doing the same to you; when you are stripped of every positive thought, every glimmer of hope, every comfort and luxury and every single crutch you have ever used to hide what you really are… when all that is beaten out of you and nothing is left but this tiny gasping speck of life… well there you are. That’s you. You get in there and fight to be somebody and to find out who and what that somebody is. Too extreme? Then you must have never done it.
Boxing gives you the opportunity to cultivate your manhood, humanhood, and civility. It gives you the arena in which to test your control of all your insides and to test those of another man. It awards you the satisfaction of finally knowing exactly what you are capable of in this world. MMA is simply about crushing a man’s spirit and dignity until there is nothing left to fight for. Boxing will show you exactly what you are fighting for. If you don’t believe me step in the ring, I’ll show you.

7. SUMMERTIME!

Let me tell you where I write from. The bat cave. I have boarded myself up in my one bedroom apartment, backed into a corner on my bed. Ive left the lights off and blacked out the window light with a dark blue fleece blanket. The only light in the room, in my life, in this world now, is the one coming from this computer screen. The dim glow can barely illuminate me and the things around me; A wolf blanket. A bookshelf overhead. Six or Seven pillows, like old worn out bodies, slumped over and strewn across the bed and floor. And then there is me. And my anger.
Why am I angry? Its May 7th and its 49 degrees outside. I've tried so hard to be positive this year about the weather, checking the 10 day forecast consistently for signs of the coming summer. Each week it looks to be on the up and up, and each week I am disappointed. There have been a few days in the 70's and I appreciate them I do. However, its the middle of May now. I feel like a bear who awoke from his winter slumber too early, with no insulation to protect him from the cold, just an eager want for the warmth of a Utah summer night and a killer appetite. So folks, I've crawled back into my cave to artificially hibernate, to wait out the weather and I wont make the mistake of leaving for the outside world again until I can be certain that summer is in full swing. So until then I write. And in doing so I find it prudent to prepare you, like I am prepared, for the beautiful summer months that lay ahead. Welcome to Summertime 101.

1)Quit your job. It's easy. Ok so taking into account America's financial downturn you cant just quit your job but you can set yourself up for success like I have. And if its too late this year then you can sit on the bench this season and prepare for a wonderful summer next year. I work in the middle of the night. Its nice. Its quiet, peaceful, the streets are vacant, the town is sleeping, and I am a renegade passing through the thick night. I work on the weekends and some may see this as a bad thing. Yet I dont live my life by the rules of the majority. Who says I cant do weekend things Monday through Friday? I can do anything I want whenever I want. The only thing that suffers is my sleep schedule as I work 11pm - 9am Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights. But, having adjusted to the deranged sleep schedule mostly, I have four days a week this summer to experience God's Inseason!
I cant imagine anything more torturous than a 9-5 job during June, July, and August. To be honest I cant imagine having a job like that period! Lets do the math shall we...

24 hours per day. 8 hours of work. 8 hours of sleep.

If you live by this formula you will waste two thirds of your life in unconsciousness! So please, for me, for you, for your children, figure out a way to celebrate the summer. I know not everyone can work thirty hours a week in the dead of night to free up their schedule. But there has to be something better than 9-5! Rise up, oh my pale faced Americans! Strip away your titles and your sweaters and pants for that matter, and cannonball into the pool of life!

2) This is what you must do during the summer:
......deeeppp breath......... swim.bike.run.drive.read.tan.grillout.BBQ.soccer. boat.love.kiss.kiss.spoon.fight.punch.fruitpunch.cruise.play.sing.dance.eat.eat.eat. chase.be chased.be chaste.party.sleep.tan.climb.kick.throw.hit.travel.tan.sightsee. experience.visit.revisit.pray.listen.test.dive.jump.fall.feel.cooldown.heatup.kiss. love.smile.think.smile.relax.forget.remember.havefun.smile.

This is summer. In a nutshell. Did I miss anything?

Don't be afraid to reward yourself for making it through another year and coming out the other side better. Thats what summer is for. I stay trapped in this cave now so that I can live the summer whenever it chooses to get here. And boy am I going to live it. I suggest you get out of that office, that restaurant, that basement apartment, and join me. Ill be there, will you?

6. Examining the Hipster Problem Part 1

Here are three short essays on the Hipster problem that will set us up for a discussion later on the solution to this infectious plague:


ONE
You have no basis. You're wandering about wondering what to believe in, then just after noon you get bored and go to the pennyroyale cafe to spend the money you didnt earn on food that was made just for you. Then my friends walk in to meet a friend and you stare them down. Why? You leave on your road bike or fixie no doubt, and head over to a friends house who has a dark room and you develop your black and white photos of that cat that you found in the alley and named Pedro the Lion. They are disappointing but you chalk it up to dissonance. Then its off to work. No wait. Sorry. Then its off to campus so you can use the computers and post those pictures! Sorry! I forgot. While your on campus you think about taking an art history class. Nope. Go back home. Watch The Arcade Fire live at that one place. Such a good show. The lead singer was so drunk. Then your roommate comes home. Why do you have a roommate!? You should be living on your own so you can play bass in peace. Whatever. Your moving to England soon anyways. As soon as your Dad sells that house you'll get your share. You deserve it you've been working hard at Barnes and Noble's and going home for the holidays. I mean if they are gonna buy you a ticket, right!? Oh my gosh! You forgot! You have to find a ride to go to Urban. Remember? The catalog? They had those sweet V-neck Tee's in almost every color. Almost. Anyways, go get those threads man. I'll catch up with you later.
Hey maybe tonight we can go to Spoon Me and see who is there. Remember that one girl? oh i cant wait ......


TWO
Oh hey man. Yeah No it looks good! How much was it? No Yeah $30 is not bad at all. I mean its Urban! Totally Totally. Well kinda. See that is a credit card, your talking about a debit card. So like if your parents dont pay it off at the end of the month then interest starts kicking in on whatever was charged to it. No No, there is NO money on it. Its credit. So its......... yeah man, I guess its like "free money". You could be right. Anyways. I guess you wanna come over and watch American Idol tonight yeah? Oh totally! Its waaay ironic! Im with you man. I dont really like it either! Like its something we can do with our friends and make fun of I love it! Im gonna stop by Goodwill and see if they have anything. Oh you already did!? Dang. You did! Yeah man that was a steal. It looks new. You wanna go to Whole Foods and just look around? Oh ok. Well have fun! Get the Penny Royale Frapp Latte its the best!



THREE

A FEW BRIEF OBSERVATIONS ON THE CHARACTER OF THE INDEPENDENT ARTIST (OBSERVED MAINLY AND CONSISTENTLY IN PROVO UTAH.)



He attached himself to the cause of progress and "our younger generation" from enthusiasm. He was one of the numerous and varied legion of dullards, of half-animated abortions, conceited, half-educated coxcombs, who attach themselves to the idea most in fashion only to vulgarise it and who caricature every cause they serve, however sincerely.

He was an aneamic scrofulous little man, with strangely flaxen mutton-chop whiskers of which he was very proud. He was rather soft hearted, but self- confident and sometimes extremely conceited in speech which had an absurd effect, incongruous with his little figure.

He drank, but he did not get drunk, no.

He really was rather stupid.

5. RACISM

I know its weird to say that I do racism better than you, and that you probably wouldnt even contest that, but its true. I do racism better than you.
Racism, unfortunately is still alive and kicking. As I mentioned before, being from the south is no Southern fairy tale. Atlanta is a unique place. It's the largest city in the Southeast, the most economically charged and probably the most black too. By black I mean people with dark brown skin. People who probably come from Africa at some point in their genealogy. During a normal work day you see white people (people with light skin like mine who come from who knows where) walking the streets with suits and briefcases or golf shirts tucked into pleated khakis with sunglasses hanging by a strap down there around their silky-ish, polyester-ish, golfy collar. You see homeless people who are mostly black people, you see college students at Georgia Tech (asians abound here, white people too, and then a minority of all other types of people), and you see just everyone else doing their daily thing. Then rush hour (more like rush three hours) hits and after the smog has cleared a new Atlanta emerges up into the muggy night. Its dark. The buildings are dark. The sky is dark. And the people are dark. Excluding a few areas such as Midtown where all the multicolored gay crowd lives and hangs, the college campuses and the "nicer parts of town", everyone is black. At least everyone you see is black. The indie kids zip by in the dark on their stupid fixies unnoticed on their way to Little Five Points to quench a vintage western wear craving. The outer perimeter suburbanites flood the Lucky street, Olympic Park section of town, wearing cleavage friendly tops and 90's friendly bottoms, hopping down Peachtree street to find someone or somewhere to help them forget about their boring life up in Sandy Springs or Alpharetta. But if you get in a car and drive around Atlanta aimlessly, and you're white like me, you're going to feel alone.
Is this racist? No it is not. Its factual observation. You see, people are equal. We all are. But we are not the same. Black people are different from white people. Europeans are different from Asians. Mexicans are not the same as South Americans. I know this. Do you? People who know me know that I make a lot of very funny racist comments. Well they think they are racist comments. But some of those same people freely make use of the "N" word in public and private conversations as if it has no history or meaning. Is this racism? What is racism!? What is Racist!?
I'd like to think that I have not one racist bone in my body. Some might disagree. However I can say this. I've never discriminated against someone based on their race. I used to, but slowly overcame, making rash uneducated judgments about people based on their looks, although I still fully agree that you can tell a lot just by looking at a person. (Ex. Fat people eat a lot. See?) But if I'm so perfect and colorblind, why do I only know and talk to one or two black people, having all white American friends? Why am I more attracted to a pretty little red head than a beautiful black woman, or a dark haired Asian gal? The answer is simple. We are different.
Different is good, folks. Life would be pretty boring if we were all the same. We need to accept that and cherish it, not deny it. Black people, for the most part have dark skin. For the most part they have nappy hair (see Chris Rock's Good Hair documentary if you dont believe me). White people have softer hair, lighter skin, different body types. Asians have dark hair! Russian People look a lot alike. Australians talk weird! I love it all! Where we start getting into trouble is when we deny those things or deny that those things are acceptable. Black people cant be human because they dont have skin like white people. This type of thing is racism obviously. But what is the less obvious racist comment like? White men cant jump? Black guys are better at sports? Indians all smell the same? Asians all have flat butts? Every illegal immigrant in U.S.A. is Mexican? Or even less obvious... That black guy is married?! That Asian is majoring in history not math!? That white guy talks like a nerd!?
The cure for racism is simple. Judge for yourself not people as a whole, but on an individual basis. One black person is not all black people. He is a person, with skin, with a heart, with a family, with a life, with goals and dreams, and with a purpose. That White guy is not just a kid who cracks racist jokes to make people feel uncomfortable and to think about their own morals and question their own ethnic views, he is a person with skin, and a heart, and a family, with goals and dreams and a life. Also.... he likes Fried Chicken, hates watermelon, and drinks Kool-Aid in the summer constantly... and still has a nerdy voice.

4. DRIVING

I love you. You're great. But I need you to know. YOU SUCK AT DRIVING...

It's true. I am the unanimously voted on Greatest Driver in the World. This is something I truly do better than you. I am smooth, uniform, confident, and considerate on the road. I have zero percent road rage. I make the minimal amount of mistakes (which we all know is once a month. Thats the minimal. Thats my max...imal.) I conserve gasoline consumption. I am constantly aware of my surroundings. Chances are, with the way I drive, I've saved countless lives from what would surely be their instant death. However there are a couple things, secrets of the trade if you will, that really distinguish me and my superhuman driving from that of the rest of this world.

1) I've never been in an accident. Nobody my age can say that because when they were in high school they got straight A's for a semester and their parents bought them a brand new '02 Camaro and they took it out at night after the football game and effed it up. I was getting straight D's in high school so my parents let me buy their old minivan. This was a blessing in disguise. First, it taught me to quickly get rid of my pride as a man and a human on the road. Second, that van served as my naptime safe haven from school. I would take the back seats out and put some blankets back there and when school was just too much for me, I would sneak out and doze off in the back of the caravan. Third, that van was large compared to all the Camaros and Civics everyone else had. I had to learn how to drive like a man, ironically.

2) When I lost my pride by inheriting a minivan for my first car I gained a few precious things. I gained an appreciation for the road, as a metaphor and in actuality. We are all on the road, trying to get to where we need to be. We are all the same. Yes we may have cars with different exteriors. Some more beautiful than others, some shiny, some dented and scarred, some held together by a miracle...or duct tape. But we've all paid our dues and deserve to be there and we are doing the best we can. Its curious to see that some people, including me, take after their car, meaning they tend to take on the same characteristics. For instance, I am a minivan. I am not too concerned with looking better than others. I dont need to be waxed, washed and shined constantly. I am all about utility. It is all about whats on the inside with me. I want to be able to take my friends with me wherever I go and, when the time comes, Im going to be ready to take on a family, to provide for them and give them safety and comfort. Some people, like Camaro owners, barely have room for two. You get in their car (or their life) and you feel uncomfortable, like your cramping their style or crowding them. They are focused on the road and not the company. They dont have much storage space for sentiments or memories, just torque, speed, and gas guzzling power. Its strange how alike we are to our cars and how life is like the open road.

3) When Im driving I want what is best for everyone. But you have to follow the rules if you're going to get my consideration. I will gladly let you in....if you have your blinker on. I will certainly stay to the right if I'm slower than you...so long as you are not speeding excessively. I will drive quickly enough....if you don't risk both our safety by riding my tail. Im out there to help. But you have to help yourself before I can do anything for you.

4) This is important to quell your silly road rage. You dont know anyone! Those are people in those cars. Thats a man with a family you just flicked off and stared down. That could very well be a pregnant woman next to you that you're honking at. I had a vision once, presumably from the heavens, in which I got angry at a fellow driver and ran them down, riding their bumper, and honking all the way. The veins in my neck were swelling to the size of a garden hose. And why? Because they cut me off, and sped on down the road like they were in some kind of hurry. When I finally caught up to them in my vison at a stop light, I bolted out of my car and rushed to theirs to begin the all out curse job to end all curse jobs. The man didnt even notice me banging on his window. He was sweating and kept looking over at his wife in the passenger seat. So I looked too. She was in labor, screaming. I sulked back to my car completely ashamed and embarrassed. When I woke up I realized that no one can know whats going through anyones head out there, you dont know what that car is speeding for. All you can be sure of is that there is a person in there with a life just like yours. And we all have too much going on to get honked at while we're doing it. So lay off.


5) This is the most important rule. I have escaped getting ticketed, getting into an accident, even getting in someones way simply by telling myself this before every time I drive:

EVERYONE IS TRYING TO KILL YOU.

If you trust the driver next to you, he will kill you. If you believe the blinker of that car in front of you, it will smash your face in. If you trust in your ability to weave through traffic because the other cars are out of your way, one will swerve into you and throw you through your driver's side window. Whether it be true or not (I tend to think its true) I convince myself that everyone out there on the road today is driving for the first time in their life. So that means I have to step up and show everyone how its done. If I believe I am the best driver out there, then I am in charge and must take charge. This doesnt mean honking my horn, cutting people off, and doing as I please. This means I am the director, the composer, the orchestrator, and everyone else is my symphony. And with the smoothness of a Jazz melody I can confidently assert my will on that of the whole and conduct a masterpiece every time I get into my minivan.
Its all about confidence Folks. Every move I make out there is the best possible move for not only me, but for the entire human race. That type of confidence can only be found in a very rare place. Somewhere deep down. Somewhere quiet and serene. Somewhere like in between the bench seats of a 1990 Dodge Caravan Sportswagon.

3. COLLEGE

College is a waste of time, I'm sorry. We are the first generation (my generation. You know the one that got screwed by the selfish hippies and baby boomers?) who will all have an Undergraduate degree. You know what this means right? It means that the degree is useless. You will now need a Master's, fluency in other languages, a Phd., and you're daddy is going to need to be rich. That's the scenario without throwing the deteriorating economic crisis into the mix. When we all graduate, we will not find jobs. If we do they will be menial jobs with menial tasks such as answering phones or making sandwiches. You will not use your degree. You will not receive a decent paycheck to pay off your student loans that you took out so confidently during the Bush administration. You will begin to drown. And in the inescapable sea of defeat you will flail. You will splash around in the shallow waters of your pool of self esteem searching for anything to help keep you afloat and all you will find is a piece of paper floating, drifting toward you. It's your degree and its going to sink with you.
If you love learning and being informed and educated, by all means go to college and love it! However, you should never take a loan out to pay for such a silly thing. If you can afford it, or if you feed of the Federal government and get a Pell Grant, go for it. Otherwise invest in books and do the learning on your own. This rule that you must have a college degree to be successful in life is made up. It was made up by people who did not go to college ironically. The only thing you need to be successful is to be successful and the only way to be successful is to go out and do it. If you think a degree will help, great. If not, screw it.

A few pointers if you're already in college:

1) No one cares what your GPA is. Graduate. Pass. Thats all you need to do. Dont study too hard, because what your learning is bias information anyways unless its a Biology class or something solid like that

2) Dont get into college culture. Dont run for student officer. Dont form study groups and talk about politics. You could be doing something more productive I promise. Dont wear the T-Shirt that has the name of your school on it...to your school. It makes you seem oddly desperate.

3) DO NOT ABBREVIATE YOUR CLASSES! By this I mean... when you say your "going to Chemistry" say you're going to Chemestry. Do not say "I'm going to Chem." You sound like an idiot. And thats not just my opinion or that of anyone else, its the Universe's. And furthermore, dont abbreviate the buildings your classes are in. If your going to meet up at the Wilkinson Center, meet up at the Wilkinson Center. Dont meet up at the Wilk. Im just trying to help.

4) Do not make college your first priority. Things that should be higher on the list are things like eating, brushing your teeth, watching good movies, working out, running, sleeping in, working a real job, traveling, hanging out with your family, reading and learning real things, etc. College should, on the list, fit somewhere right between getting a hair cut and going grocery shopping.

There is much more I could warn you about when it comes to post secondary education, but let me wrap up with this. You are an American. You are smart. You have everything you could ever want at your disposal to become a better person, smarter, more successful. Do not use a crutch in any way. Sometimes college can be a crutch. If this is true, get rid of it. There is no hope in walking into the busy real world if you do it limping on the crutch of "higher education". Get out there and do what you want to do, no excuses. You know they always say you can do anything you put your mind to. They never tell you that you can do anything so long as you graduate from college. Eff them anyways. If you want something get it, do it, own it. This is America.

2. Doing Utah Right

How dare you say that you hate Utah. You don't know anything. I was born in Ft. Lauderdale, a bastion of illegal activity, elderly decay, and perfectly situated to take on the blunt force of most oceanic storms right on the chin. Barring all of these, the humidity alone is reason enough to pack up and move to..... anywhere else. And thats what my family did. We moved to Atlanta, GA. Great place. Lots of diversity, great economic successes, plenty of greenery, and good schools. I don't have too much to complain about when I think back on my days in Georgia. Except it sucked. There is nothing to do, to keep you busy. If your not a redneck, white trash, turbo-drinking alcoholic then building a car in your mom's garage and watching NASCAR for the rest of your life is not an option. And if you aren't planning on slinging coke down at the BP (gas station) on North Ave. and eating Popeye's for the rest of your miserable days, then your left with two main things in your life. Shopping and going out to eat. Both of which require exorbitant amounts of disposable assets (cash and more cash) and will only lead you down a path the ends in well dressed "fat-hood". I played a lot of soccer growing up and its true, soccer is HUGE in Georgia and we were very good. But after a certain age you cant really fit it into your schedule anymore. But you can go shopping at the Mall of Georgia (huge and pointless. oh wait... they do have a Build-a-Bear, so.....) and then "grab a bite to eat" at some little Bistro and wrap things up with a zebra hot chocolate at Starbucks until you realize that you should go home before you mug someone for more money so you can go catch a movie for just $12 more bucks. And breath Kurt....
I've been all over the USA. I took a very very long, very life changing trip in the summer of 2007 and saw everything I wanted to see. From Kentucky to Montana and Iowa to "So Cal", I've been there and talked with the people who love it there. I love America. [sidenote- how dare you say you don't love America also, but we'll get to that topic later] I know what America looks like and I know what I like and dont like about her vast escapes. Thats why I moved to Utah.
Utah is dry, fertile, full of hard working, young and healthy people. The capitol Salt Lake City is B.E.A.U.T.I.F.U.L.! It is easily one America's most beautifully and well planned cities. It is not crowded. The winters are full on and the summers are dead on perfect. Here in Utah we have everything. I live in Provo, a valley city literally between a wall of gorgeous mountains and the Utah lake. It's clean, crime free, and I can do as I please. But this isn't good enough for a lot of people here. Here are their complaints and my rebuttals:

-"There are too many Mormons here!"
Try living around drug dealers. Or illegal immigrants who will never talk to you because they don't speak English or are afraid to because they think you'll turn them in. Mormons are the nicest people on earth. Judgmental? yes probably. Weird? Absolutely. But you will never find a better environment all around than you will in Mormon culture. Deal with it.
-"There's nothing to do here!"
You're a liar. Swimming, hiking, skiing, running, boating, traveling, mountain climbing, rope swings, Color Me Mine, skateboarding, every sport. Yes you can do most of these things most places. But can you do them with such a large amount of your peers? Utah has the youngest population of any state. We are young. We are healthy. And we are creative. We do stuff. If you are bored in Utah my guess is that your probably a shoddy person and no one likes you. Because I guarantee if your a person that sucks to be around, we can find someone else to do something with.
-"It's too crowded in Utah!"
I heard someone refer to I-15 as a parking lot once and laughed. Have you ever been to L.A.? That place is as pointless as they come! It reminds me of when someone lies, and then has to lie again and again to cover up that one little lie. And pretty soon your in over your head. L.A. is in way over its head. Highways on top of highways. People on top of people. Its ridiculous. UTAH IS NOT CROWDED. In Atlanta it would take me 45 minutes to get a few miles. In New York and D.C. its even worse.

Moral of the story is that you should thank God every day that you live in Utah. [again, we havent even addressed the hatred that people have for Provo, but we will. We will] The people, the land, the weather can combine to make this truly an oasis in the desert. And if you think otherwise... you're wrong.

1. BLOGS

The reason I decided to start this thing is two fold. First, I happened upon a blog that was cynical and childish at best and it agitated me. It then took my mind back to the many many things in this world that bother me and how much better I do things than other people. I understand how pretentious the previous comment seems, and just how pretentious the following one will seem too, but I would be a liar if I told you I didnt know better about most things than most people. So I guess I'd rather be thought pretentious than a liar. The second reason I started this thing is because its so so simple! I looked into what it takes to start a blog on account of my feeling that someone who could right such a cynical, childish, and straight up silly blog must not have been able to put much effort into it. And again... I was right. So here I am, doing my duty as a man to show you the way; the right way to do it all. Sit back. Relax. And watch me work.