ALBINO GORILLA

Showering

And.......... we're back.

So I dont get the opportunity to shower as often as I used to and it has made me more aptly aware of just how good at it I was! I mean, I would get in that shower and scrub a dub dub and I could have been as dirty as a dead dog in a crackhouse but sure enough I'd come out smelling like a rose. You could lick a plate of mashed potatoes off my back side. THATS how clean I was.
     I know what you're thinking: Kurt, how did you get so squeaky clean my brutha!? Ill tell you.

Step One: Poop before you shower!
                
Step Two: Have a routine! I have a routine and it hasn't changed since I was twelve years old. It is as follows:

1. Get in shower naked.

2. Seal the plastic shower curtain to the tile from top to bottom so it is water tight.

3. Place your conditioner bottle (as it will be used last) on the shower ledge, pinning the middle of the shower curtain to the shower ledge so that you can avoid the annoyance of having the curtain mysteriously drift into your leg a few minutes after you start your shower. You're minding your own business washing your hair and your eyes are closed and, wait..... whats that........ something is sticking to your leg. Use the conditioner and get that crap on lockdown.

4. Go from top to bottom. Start with the hair. Doesnt matter what you use. I stick with Old Spice stuff usually. Scrub that scalp good. You dont want any snowflakes out there on your shoulders. Rinse. Otherwise that junk will trickle down into your eyes.

5. Then get the torso and use a Loooofa! If youre not using a bar of soap use a loofa. Simply because it lathers.

6. Work your way to the nether regions and MAKE SURE YOU GET THE SPACES IN BETWEEN! This is the key to the complete clean experience.

7. I usually skip my leg and feet as there is really no point for a guy to clean those parts. And the residue of soap will wash over all that anyways.

8. THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE: Do as much as you can in the shower. Yes this included peeing, blowing out your nose, pooping - ha just joking, cleaning out your ears, shaving, talking on the phone, doing homework, stretching, drawing things with the water beads on the wall.

But blowing out your nose in the shower is gross Kurt!

Nothing is gross in the shower. Nothing. Its a sanctuary. The sooner you learn that the sooner you can become like me. Or at least how I used to be. Now I pretty much shower in communal showers where blowing bodily fluids and goop all over the place is "frowned upon" and stretching is controversial and somewhat dangerous. But, the point is, I used to OWN at showering.

16. THE FOURTH OF JULY

So since this is the only holiday I celebrate I like to do it right. Fortunately I have some very good friends who wanted to party just as hard this year and we made it a Fourth of July weekend to never be forgotten. Maybe they'll make a movie out of it years down the line. Called The Sandlot 4. Lets get to it. This is a brief list of everything we did to show our love for America. And I love America way way better than you do so listen up.

-6AM hike up to the Alien Slabs in Provo
-Back Deck BBQ
-Open Air movie with all the gang
-Back Deck camping under the stars... and blankets.
-Early morning free French(American) Toast breakfast at Maceys
-All American Kickball game
-Swimming and picnic lunch
-Center street Freedom Festival (Funnel Cakes)
-Cafe Rio (though Mexican food is Mexican, we stole it. American)
-Stadium of Fire
-Four Fighter Jet Fly By! So so so so so awesome
-Catch Phrase while Carrie Underwood tried to put everyone to sleep
-Fireworks!
-Block Party on Canyon Ave
-Home. Sleep.
-Church!
-Break the Fast, BBQ, Sandwiches, Soccer, Friends, Ellie May
-RISK! (for 8 or 9 hours)
-Up early for the Parade (and crepes. the only unamerican thing about the weekend.)
-Freedom Festival for some Karaoke
-El Gallo Giro! (Cynthia I love you)
-Then down south to the Mona Rope Swing (Amanda owned it!)
-Hawaiian Ice Shavies (I think Hannah is still there....)
-FHE watching Independence Day on the Back Deck. Perfect.

... and that, my friends, is how you celebrate Fourth of July. And we still have some poppers and Sparklers left over. AmericaEffYeah!